Saturday, April 23, 2011

Sacrificial Love

As Easter approaches, sacrifice comes to mind. I think back over my 31 years and I replay all the years I survived on the fast track to Hell. No, I'm not cussing; I'm speaking of Hell, as a place. A place where I resided through my actions. My actions against myself and others. A place where only I existed. A place where self-destruction was first on my list. A place where I attacked my body and mind through way too many drugs and an abundance of alcohol. Sacrifice didn't exist for me. I was determined to be "happy". Sadly enough, I thought I was. I look back not in regret, but appreciation. Appreciation for that life that I led for so many years because that life led me to right now. Right here.
Becoming a Mother changed my life. For that, I am grateful. Who knows if I'd even be here today, if it weren't for my child who makes me laugh, cry, scream, frustrated, happy, sad, giddy, appreciative and insane (usually in that order and usually in the same day).
I hope someday to be an advocate for recovered addicts. No, I am not referring to myself as "recovering" because to me, that insinuates I will attempt that life again. In the words of Ranger Rick, "None would be appreciated, thank you." I suppose technically, I am an advocate already. I am 100% open and honest about who I was, who I am and who I strive to be. I have no desire to lie about anything. Period. I have no desire to lie for anyone. Ask anybody, I am NOT a good liar. I just can't. January 7th made three glorious years that I've been clean. These are three of the best years of my life and I hope and pray I have lots more to come.
Yes, I said pray. I pray a lot. I pray for others mostly and for myself and for my family. God is a prominent figure in my life. He hasn't always been. I turned to him because life was so good for me, not because it was bad. I thought I didn't "need" him when it was bad. The only time I thought I needed him was when I'd completely alienated everyone and everything that I loved, from my life, due to my drug and alcohol use. No, I didn't accept that then, but I do now.
I posted this entry here because I feel this is where it needs to be. If you choose to "judge", do so. That's your choice. I have no intentions of hiding my past, as if I'm ashamed. I am not ashamed. I am not proud of who I was, by no means. I am proud of who I am today. I am proud that every thought that runs through my mind pertains to my child and how I can make his life better. How I can teach him to love, to trust, to be completely honest with himself and everyone else,to feel secure and to be respectful to himself and to others. I have learned that we must respect ourselves, before there is possibility of respecting others.
Today, I live my life as God would see fit. I do not think I am any "better" than anyone else, because I am not. We are all created equal is His eyes. I have no desire to be anyone else, but myself. I am frequently chastised for being different and quite often the topic of conversation (gossip). I'm okay with that. I'm okay with me and that's what makes me okay with that.
No, I am not perfect. None of us are. I sin. We all do. It's when we try not to, instead of riding the fast track, is what makes the difference in who and what we are.
As I celebrate Easter this year, I celebrate the life I lead and the person I have become with great honor. I lead by example for my child and hope someday he considers me his hero.

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