Thursday, June 30, 2016

he and I are through (To Be Heard)

More and more I catch myself saying, "I don't know what this post will be about," so just bare with me. 
I have had a plethora of things to write about but unfortunately, I can't write about them. Yes, I'm aware how cryptic that sounds & yes, I pride myself in not being cryptic. It's not my story to tell. Maybe someday I can share my part in it, just not today. 
The Lord has been keeping me on my toes & holding me extremely accountable for what comes out of my mouth. To those of you who Serve you know what I'm referring to---conviction. Yep, it doesn't matter how much I don't want to do something, if He requires it, off I go. As a matter of fact, I've got a gazillion things to do today & apologizing to an officer is one of them. Wow, that sounds awful. It's not as awful as it sounds, I suppose. 
This was actually the first time that I met him & I sounded mean and hateful. That wasn't my intention but, that's what came out. As I was laying in bed last night, cranky as I could be, the Lord convicted me to go to the jail today & apologize to that man. He was nothing but nice to me. My mouth gets me into so much. Hence, why the Lord has been convicting to TAME MY TONGUE. And what a battle, it is. I suppose it's been about five weeks that I have been heavily convicted about what I say. So much that it's completely overwhelming sometimes. I know part of that is the devil, trying to lead me his way and that's not happening. I served the devil for nearly half my life. He and I are through. 
I have felt overwhelmed with my children on a daily basis for months. We have good days, of course and we have good times in within those days, but ultimately, I feel like I'm completely failing at this whole parenting thing. Also, the devil trying to convince me that I'm not worthy of these babies that call me Mommy. He's not winning, he and I are through. I know I'm worthy of these babies & I know with all the "phases" we go through, I'm excelling at this whole parenting thing because I keep showing up, I'm not giving up; much like my mother has on me for most of my life. 
Yes, there's a little tidbit that I don't talk a whole lot about in my blog. More and more I understand the concept of "the only way out in through", which sometimes means sharing things that may not shine such a lovely light on people. I've worried about what people may think far too long over the course of my life & it's been at the expense of myself. Again, the devil at work here. He and I are through. 
I've learned an incredible amount during my Christian Counseling over last nine months. There's another little tidbit. I'm not ashamed to say that I've sought counseling for issues that caused me to use drugs for fifteen years of my life. I was initially. I was embarrassed & ashamed but, I have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed of things that were done to me & the people who did them when I was a child. NONE. Shame is out the window. 
I am growing. I am learning. I am trying my best to be the Mother my boys need through it all. So, if you've made it all the way to the end of this soul-baring post, please: say a prayer for me. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 
- Philippians 4:13

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