Sunday, January 27, 2019

January 92nd, 2019 (To Be Heard)

 As I sit here in front of this screen, grasping my warm mug of coffee tightly between sentences of thoughts, I'm making myself count my blessings. I have been in such a foul mood for the most of the last two years (or what seems like the most of), I literally have to sit here & make myself count my blessings & pray for others to get myself out of this horrid funk that I'm in. 

I've been in and out of one doctor's office or another trying to find the root of the problem. I'm definitely tired of people insinuating that it's all in my head. I have been clinically diagnosed, but that doesn't mean this nonsense has to last forever & it certainly doesn't mean that my issues are all in my head.

I feel like I've tried everything under the sun trying to "fix" me & nothing has worked. Either my insurance isn't excepted & the bill is too big for me to pay to even be seen, or I try "one more thing" and that's not the answer either. It's a roller coaster that I want to get off of; NOW. I typically like roller coasters, but this one is a little more scary than I am accustomed to. 

All that being said, I'm depending on God 24/7 because I don't have a thing figured out & He knows all, so... When He makes His presence known, time and time again I am grateful for Him & what work He's done in me. 

Days feel impossible less & less, but they're still overwhelming some days. I thought I'd be "fixed" by now. I thought when I stopped doing drugs eleven years ago, I'd be better. I wouldn't have to struggle this hard just to live. Just to want to live. Just to find joy in the mundane. In the every day. I catch myself saying, "it's not fair" a lot. 

Then, in my mind, that opens the thought of what #4 (my Daddy's fourth wife) use to say, "nobody said life was fair." What does that mean exactly? Why would you tell that to a child? She was bipolar. There's no issue being bipolar, as long as you take your meds and/or learn to cope. That's not how it worked with her. She drank & popped pills & sometimes took her medicine & you want to talk about a roller coaster? Life with her was a roller coaster & the bolts on it weren't tight enough, if you're picking up what I'm laying down.

I had to write this. 

There is not enough room in my mind for all this anxiety. I'm overwhelmed and I need a break. A break from the reality that a whole house full of people need me and I just need to breathe. People freak out when I say things like that but it doesn't change the fact that it how it is. It doesn't make me love my family any less, it makes me need time to be whole. I'm so sick and tired of not feeling whole.

I'm not deleting  this. 

I would ordinarily, but this time, I'm not. People experience things like this all of the time & no one blinks eye, other than to say, "get over it." "You're fine." "You're just tired. You need some rest."

I am so sick of the stigma associated with mental illness. When people commit suicide, you hear all the time, "I never knew anything was wrong," or some garbage like that. Of course you didn't know anything was wrong because when you reply with, "get over it," or give the blank stare, nobody's gonna tell you anything of substance.  Hello?!

I have to talk about the stuff that no one wants to talk about to be okay with me. That's how it works for me. If I hide it, it controls me. I don't want to be controlled by anxiety & depression. I want to want to live & be free. I want to be well. Is that too much to ask? I don't think it is. One day I will be free. 

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

--- Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NIV)

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