Chasing Rabbits (To Be Heard)

As I fumble through this life, I notice time passes more quickly than ever before once I stop rushing to move it. When I stand with the Son, I know He'll protect me from myself. The self in me isn't where I'd like to be in my walk with Him, but if nothing's changes, nothing changes. 

We can talk about what we're going to do all day long, but in the end, have we done what would make God give us an "atta boy"? Smokey use to say that all the time. It's been seven years since he left this earth & I'd like to believe I'll see him again someday but honestly, I don't know if he was saved. When he died, I wasn't. I didn't ever share what it meant to be saved with him because I didn't know what it meant myself. 

Are we sharing what it means to be saved with others?  How life can end in the blink of an eye & we all need to be ready? 

Life flies by and before we know it, we'll be regretting things, if we're not careful. Did I spend enough quality time with my kids? Quality and quantity are two different things, ya know. Sometimes I get wrapped up in quantity, that I forget all about quality. 

The same thing goes for presence & presents, these two can get mixed up in a jiffy. Last time my mother and I had a conservation was three years ago this December,  & I told her that we would rather have her presence than her presents. Needless to say, that cut pretty deep & she hung up on me. At that point, I could have pinched her head off for bailing out on my guys again. 

Our oldest is nine years old & she's met him once, his almost five year old brother once when he was three months old & she doesn't even know that I have a six month old little girl. It's sad, but true. 

I'm not even sure why I'm sharing all of this, honestly. I see people post all the time on social media about their mother's and how they miss them. I don't have that. I've never really had a relationship with mine because she's always chosen herself, or a relationship. 

I acted like it didn't matter when I was a teenager because I was "coming into my own"--whatever that expression really means--and didn't know what to do with all the emotions that I was experiencing. 

That's one of the big reasons that I started using drugs. I wanted to escape from all of the "stuff". Whew, "stuff" is such a loaded word used in this sentence. Baggage is a better word. Baggage should never be a word that someone uses to describe their childhood, but unfortunately, that's what I got from mine. 

It's taken me a lifetime and many hours of therapy to understand that the lack of relationship that my mother has with me, is not my fault. I did not make her choose to absent in  my life. Thank you EMDR and, of course, Margaret. She helped save me from myself couple of years ago.

This post is a perfect example of how my mind works. I start with one thing and bounce from thing to thing. I suppose I just needed to chase rabbits today. Until next time...