Sunday, January 7, 2018

Sunday Feels (10 Years CLEAN!)

Man, I feel good today. 

Don't you just love it when you can say that? Some days, moments, months, heck, even years can feel impossible. Yes, I said years. 

The first year I was clean, I didn't think that I would make it through it. I was so overwhelmed with life. I got clean when I found out I was six weeks pregnant. Blah, blah, blah. You've probably already heard my story. I feel like such a broken record sometimes. I feel like people get tired of hearing it & start nodding off mid-sentence. Oh good grief, here she goes again. Ewww. 

Let's fast forward a piece. I would make a fast forward sound but I don't know how to spell it. 

Oh look, SHINY!  

I cannot stop it. My husband asks me, "do you even try?" Nope,  I gave up trying to change me. At least the things that I love. I love the spastic part about me. I like to call it spontaneity. Yes, we'll go with spontaneity. 

Geez, I get sidetracked. I sat here for an hour looking through old burnt discs for a photo of me before, when I was in my addiction. There is this specific photo that I'm looking for & I think I inadvertently deleted it & have no copies of it. 

Here's the funny part. There's always a funny part. I was smiling so big in that picture. You would think I was so happy. Sure, in that very moment, I was. The black under my eyes was awful. I don't know how long I had been awake & there is no way I could tell you how long it had been since I'd eaten. 

I was extremely unhealthy. I was smoking, eating, drinking, snorting, breathing meth. How could I not be unhealthy? I was unhealthy, insecure, mean, vindictive, and spiteful. I was a liar. I lied to myself, my family. I was thin. That's was an important factor to me, to be thin. Sad, isn't it? Straight truth, nothing but. It didn't matter that I was slowly killing myself, sometimes quicker; just depended on how much money I had to blow. No pun intended. Harharhar. At least I can joke about it now. 

I wasn't always able to joke about it. When I first got clean, I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and a number of other adjectives. 

I felt like everyone was judging me. Living in a small town is hard sometimes. Everybody knows everybody and not everybody's kind, Christian or not. People love to see people fail and when you know everybody it's hard to escape the judgement. No, I'm not that naive to think it doesn't happen everywhere, I know that it does. This is just my story; no one else's.

I was pregnant. I was going to be a mother. Oh my gosh, I was terrified to be a mother. What if I turned out like my mother; absent? That's all the room she gets in this post because this isn't about her. She gets no glory for me being clean for a decade. Zero.

Only God gets the glory for His. He and He alone, set me free!  

If I tried to say that getting clean was as easy as reading some inspirational quote that motivates you to make it happen, I'd be lying. That's a complete load of garbage. Getting clean isn't easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Nobody would use drugs. We'd all be skipping through a field of daisies, happily, hand-in-hand. 

I think I took that a bit far. That's me, the envelope pusher. At least it's not dope pusher. 

Don't get me wrong, everybody's journey is different, but there's likely to be some speed bumps; no pun intended.  I'm pretty punny today.

Alright so, I figured I'd go with some things that I've learned over the past ten years and maybe I won't get too off-topic. Oh, that was funny. I'm very likely to get off-topic. It's in my nature.

When I first got clean, I was so scared I'd lose all my friends. I did. All of them. I don't hang out with any of those people anymore. The expression, "all you have to do is change everything," was spot on for me. 

Here's what I learned:

1. Those people weren't my friends to begin with. They just needed someone to do dope with & share my dope with them. Yup. Go on and marinate on that for a minute. BOOYAH. 

2. Some folks gonna forget where they came from. That's okay, let them. The only way out is through. Sometimes it takes a lot more time to get through when you don't want to face things. They are not your responsibility; YOU ARE. It took me a minute to learn that one. 

3. "People will be people," are the words of my handsome husband, Andy. I use to want to cut him when he said that. Bleck. Just plan 'ole poke his eyeballs out for being so evolved. Yuck. Perfect people get on my nerves. Here's the truth bomb: HE'S RIGHT. They will. So what. Let them be. 

4. People pleasing is the pits. Stop it as quick as you can. It's not a good thing. It's a flaw. I'm still learning this one. 

5. You have to set boundaries & STICK WITH THEM. Not everyone will like the clean you & that's okay. They don't have to. I found out I like myself so much more when I'm not around people who project their insecurities & hatred for self onto me. 

Don't feel guilty about that. Some people just aren't your people. When you use, you tend to mix and match with all kinds of folks because you've got drugs in common. When you no longer have drugs in common, you find out who your friends are. QUICK. 

Okay, so there's five things. Those, of course, are not the only five but I'll have to stop now because this has taken me the course of a day to get this written & if I don't post soon, I won't get it finished. I'm a super starter, but finisher? I'm still working on that.

I'm working on me. Well, He's working in me much more than what I'm doing, just as long as I let Him. 

Seriously people. Choose Him. He will  see you through. Let Him.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭KJV‬‬

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