January 92nd, 2019 (To Be Heard)

 As I sit here in front of this screen, grasping my warm mug of coffee tightly between sentences of thoughts, I'm making myself count my blessings. I have been in such a foul mood for the most of the last two years (or what seems like the most of), I literally have to sit here & make myself count my blessings & pray for others to get myself out of this horrid funk that I'm in. 

I've been in and out of one doctor's office or another trying to find the root of the problem. I'm definitely tired of people insinuating that it's all in my head. I have been clinically diagnosed, but that doesn't mean this nonsense has to last forever & it certainly doesn't mean that my issues are all in my head.

I feel like I've tried everything under the sun trying to "fix" me & nothing has worked. Either my insurance isn't excepted & the bill is too big for me to pay to even be seen, or I try "one more thing" and that's not the answer either. It's a roller coaster that I want to get off of; NOW. I typically like roller coasters, but this one is a little more scary than I am accustomed to. 

All that being said, I'm depending on God 24/7 because I don't have a thing figured out & He knows all, so... When He makes His presence known, time and time again I am grateful for Him & what work He's done in me. 

Days feel impossible less & less, but they're still overwhelming some days. I thought I'd be "fixed" by now. I thought when I stopped doing drugs eleven years ago, I'd be better. I wouldn't have to struggle this hard just to live. Just to want to live. Just to find joy in the mundane. In the every day. I catch myself saying, "it's not fair" a lot. 

Then, in my mind, that opens the thought of what #4 (my Daddy's fourth wife) use to say, "nobody said life was fair." What does that mean exactly? Why would you tell that to a child? She was bipolar. There's no issue being bipolar, as long as you take your meds and/or learn to cope. That's not how it worked with her. She drank & popped pills & sometimes took her medicine & you want to talk about a roller coaster? Life with her was a roller coaster & the bolts on it weren't tight enough, if you're picking up what I'm laying down.

I had to write this. 

There is not enough room in my mind for all this anxiety. I'm overwhelmed and I need a break. A break from the reality that a whole house full of people need me and I just need to breathe. People freak out when I say things like that but it doesn't change the fact that it how it is. It doesn't make me love my family any less, it makes me need time to be whole. I'm so sick and tired of not feeling whole.

I'm not deleting  this. 

I would ordinarily, but this time, I'm not. People experience things like this all of the time & no one blinks eye, other than to say, "get over it." "You're fine." "You're just tired. You need some rest."

I am so sick of the stigma associated with mental illness. When people commit suicide, you hear all the time, "I never knew anything was wrong," or some garbage like that. Of course you didn't know anything was wrong because when you reply with, "get over it," or give the blank stare, nobody's gonna tell you anything of substance.  Hello?!

I have to talk about the stuff that no one wants to talk about to be okay with me. That's how it works for me. If I hide it, it controls me. I don't want to be controlled by anxiety & depression. I want to want to live & be free. I want to be well. Is that too much to ask? I don't think it is. One day I will be free. 

Though the fig tree does not bud

    and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

    and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

    and no cattle in the stalls,

 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

--- Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NIV)

Mean Girls, Snarky Comebacks & Weakness (To Be Heard)

I woke up at 3 am this morning. I went to the gym. I've been tapering off my anxiety medication & I'm almost done with it. It's been a process, much like everything else in my life. My Gramma spent a great deal of her life taking medication for mental illness & I don't want that to be me. It very well could be, if I let it.

I've had some impossible days lately. As a matter of fact, I get where I can't breathe. I mean that figuratively, not literally. I have a lot of irons in the fire. The fact that I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to word this without adding any new ridicule & judgement to my list is what's the worst.

Look---Shark Week is almost here & since the last two babies, it's not one week, it's two weeks out of a month where I'd rather cut certain people than talk to them; or even think about them for that matter. And by certain, I mean three specific people. But here's the thing, I NEVER see them.

They've added me on Facebook, but they don't follow me. You know what I'm talking about. The mean girls that are entitled and present themselves as something completely different than what they really are. Ugh, it gives me a headache.

I'm aware how paranoid this sounds. My Gramma told me a long time ago to trust my gut. She was rarely wrong. If my intuition, my instinct leads me in a certain way, it's likely to be true. Sometimes it's not, but usually...

I want nothing more than to call them out & be absolutely hateful about it, but what good is that doing? None. The old me comes out sometimes, along with her snarky comebacks & 3rd person references.

Don't get it twisted. I'm not trying to be cryptic but if I actually, physically called these three heifers out, they would deny, deny, deny 'til the day they die, die, die. My friend Joanie said that to me years ago & it stuck with me. I love her so much. At this point is where I'm thinking that I should probably delete this because somebody will think that this is about them because they're paranoid about what they may or may not have done to someone. Blah. If you're thinking it's about you, ask me. I'll tell you. It's very doubtful that it is though.

Oh look, squirrel!

I have to get all of this out of my head because it's hindering me. How, you ask? Or not, but I'll tell you anyway. If you're still here reading this, you already know to settle in.

Yesterday Evan and I went to his best friend's birthday party! YAY! He loves to play & I absolutely love for him to be happy. Win, win! I totally feel comfortable there because they're awesome Christian people who don't present anything other than what they are & I LOVE THAT! Honestly, these people are totally my people. I say that because I love real & I love kind & they are all that!

There was a really cool slide there & the steps were super steep. I came prepared to get wet but was reluctant. As I sat there crocheting (off to myself for a while), watching and listening to the fun being had by all, I wanted so bad to climb that slide & see how much fun it was!!

The voice in my head was like,  'no Alisha,'. And then I started talking to some ladies & that voice presented itself out of my mouth. Who was that? That's not me at all. I'm confident in my abilities. Well, usually. Who was that girl saying that I couldn't? Like, where did she come from? I don't know her. I couldn't believe I was saying those things. Out of my shoes I came, up that ladder I went & down I came. No, it wasn't hard like I made it out to be. Now, if I did it all afternoon, I'm sure I'd be in need of some ibuprofen.

Picture borrowed from Choosing Joy Photography.

I've been in my current way of eating since the beginning of June & I'm seeing noticeable changes in myself, but I haven't been exercising like I need to. And by need to, I mean mentally. There's a certain amount of exercise that I can do to calm the anxiety beast  that exists inside me. It helps me. What? Hello. Is this the answer to calming my anxiety? Of course it is. So why haven't I been doing it?

Jesus take the wheel.

I'm really skilled at standing in my own way. I used drugs for 15 years of my life because I was perfecting my "standing in my own way" skills. I've totally got that badge in platinum. Now's definitely the time to implement exercise so, let's see if I'm consistent. My Yoga practice is reasonably consistent. Nah, I guess it's not enough either. I need an hour a day everyday.

I carve out time for Bible study. Why can't I carve out time for fitness? Oh, but I can. Guess what? The gym is moving to a new location. And guess what else? There will be child care!!! Praise the Lord.

Sometimes I have an idea of where these posts will head and sometimes I just sit down and write. As I'm finishing up this post, it's 6:42 am and Casting Crowns came on Pandora - Praise You in this Storm comes on & I know He's listening. I know He hears me. I know my prayers are being heard. He knows the strength that I need to continue to serve Him with everything that I am. He knows that I struggle with being snarky,hateful, mean & that my family gets the worst of me sometimes & I always need prayer for that.

He knows that I be kind & He knows that I can be just as impossible as I can be kind. He knows everything about us. He knows my name.

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. - Luke 12:7 (KJV)

Motherless Child (To Be Heard)

When I was in high school Eric Clapton came out with this incredible album of blues remakes called From the Cradle. It was/is on my list of favorites that I still can't live without; google it. 

On this album, there's a song called Motherless Child. I listened to that song on replay with my boombox with the CD player. I was so proud of that CD player. It was the first one that I ever had. 

During the time that disc came out, my mother had disowned me. Yes, I'm aware of how dramatic I am on the day-to-day so you're thinking I'm exaggerating; nope. She sent me a book of a letter with all the pictures she had of me, report cards & my hospital bracelet that I got when I was born. 

I was fifteen years old & everything she had from my life fit in a nice letter-sized manilla envelope. Convenient, I know. 

This day (Mother's Day) has been a festering wound in my side for my entire life because my mother never wanted me. You know the expression "actions speak louder than words"? Yeah, me too. And yes, they sure do. 

Don't get it twisted, this isn't a post bashing my mother. Nope. These are just facts & up until now, I haven't been strong enough to type them in a post because I was afraid of what someone might say, or if it would offend someone, but you know what? I've been offended my entire life because my mother has never had time for me, unless it was beneficial to her, or on her time, or if it was okay with her [current] husband/man. Yep, I sure enough just did. I don't mean that in any other way than it's intended.

Several years ago, I sought help from a Christian counselor who performed EMDR on me. I used my mother as an example because she was a huge block in my drug recovery. I found that out when I was working "The Fourth Step - A Moral Inventory". 

My sponsor told me I needed a therapist because she wasn't equipped to help me. HAHA! True story. Well, she was right. I spent the next nine months digging out bad & boy, do I feel better! It's three years later this July & I'm still making progress.

When she performed the EMDR, which is basically a series of questions, she asked me, "what would you tell that little girl?" and out of nowhere, I burst out in tears and said,"it's not your fault."

I'm welling up with tears right now just thinking about how good that felt & how much it helped me. 

It's not my fault that my mother is incapable of being a mother. Some people aren't. For years, I excused her behavior by believing it was because her mother died at a young age and she didn't know how because she didn't have one. 

Guess what? 

I don't have one either but my kids are my first priority. Yes, I am well aware that the Bible says your husband is first, but spend your life thinking your mom doesn't want you and see who you prioritize first. 

God's working on me. He'll take care of everything. He's molding me into what He wants me to be. 

This year, I'm okay that she doesn't want anything to do with me for whatever time this is. In fact, it's better this way. My children don't have to hurt like used to. And if, at this point you're reading and want to comment, "but she's your mother," please don't. 

She only gave birth to me & for that, I am grateful, because I have three beautiful, smart, safe, secure, confident, cherished children that she will never know & a daughter that she's never known.

>>>My God is greater than the pain & praise the Lord, this year, the pain is no longer<<<

Simplicity (To Be Heard)

As I gather my thoughts & decide where I'm headed today, I can't help but appreciate the simplicity of what my life has become over the last several months; not to mention, the last decade. 

I'm working on balance this year. I've always been a procrastinator & I'm coming to learn how to tame the fear that makes procrastination happen for me. I have always been terrified of success. I'm still scooping out the bad (after almost three years) & forming new, more healthy habits. 

The irony in that (for me) is that the one thing I have been unable to tame is my healthy weight & that is the one thing I was working so well at before I started on this self-discovery journey. WHOAH. That was a realization. It's almost as if I gave up one for another. That has officially been noted. Maybe there will be some progress there now that there's been a realization. 

I like how people are able to fix your problems but can't fix their own. My dear friend once said, "if we could all switch problems...", we'd all be good, or something to that effect. Isn't it funny? Everyone knows how to tend someone else's woes but have a rough time tending their own. 

I have had so many posts but cannot manage to make myself sit down to do it. I start writing & then I change my mind. Outside factors get in the way. I'm afraid I'll step on this one's toes, or that one's toes, when in reality, all I want to do is write & everyone is so dang touchy these days. About everything & anything. Seriously, everything. Why can't things be taken at face value & not have another meaning? Can't I just say what I mean and mean what I say? Nope, not these days. People lie. Straight lie. All the time. 

I mean, I get it, I guess. I spent fifteen years of my life lying to myself, my family. I thought -- let me rephrase that -- I didn't care any further than what I wanted whether it was affecting anyone else. See? There I go judging. No, it's just stating an opinion. I struggle with the reality that there is a line between judgement and opinion, as a Christian. I teeter on that line sometimes though. I'm flawed. Not an excuse, just a fact. 

The harder He works on me, the more stuff I find wrong. Like I said, I started digging almost three years ago & I could have totally bought a backhoe with what it would cost to rent one for three years. Yep, I should have been a comedian. 

I thought it would be easier. Okay, no I didn't. I didn't think living right would be easier, or I would've done it sooner. And by living right, I mean what's best for me. No drugs, no alcohol, & serving the Lord the best I can every day for the rest of my life. 

I fail miserably. I dust off. I try again. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is in control of my life. He is what keeps me going on those days that I can't seem to do anything right. When I feel like a complete failure as a mother, a wife, a human being. He knows everything about it & loves me because He knows who I am. He knows who I'm striving to be. He knows what I'm capable of. 

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. - Romans 8:18

Because He Loves Me (To Be Heard)

When you envision your life, is it what you're living? Are you doing the things you thought you would?

Several days ago I started this painting. I express myself through art. I was in the feels. Emotions can be painful sometimes. You know when you hear a song & it takes you a to a place where you use to be? Or when you hear a song and it takes you to where you are? Are you ultimately happy where you are?

I've been going on and on about balance this year.  I made it my goal to balance myself, my life, my responsibilities. I can't say that somewhere along the way my balance shifted because honestly, I've never experienced balance in my life. I've always, for as far back as I can remember, been unbalanced.

I'm experiencing a whole new life. A life reformed. A life without drugs. Without alcohol. A life with boundaries. YES! Boundaries. No, boundaries are HUGE deal. Maybe you're normal & you've always had them in your life. I've not & I'm learning that's okay because I get to learn now.

I am who God makes me on the daily. Not everyone will love me, but He does, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 
- Matthew 22:37 (NIV)

I'm Not Waiting Another Minute [To Let it Go]

As I sit here rocking this beautiful baby of mine, I'm reminded of what I have to be grateful for. 

Most of the time, she won't go to sleep unless I'm holding her or rocking her & for those of you reading this, I get tired of you saying she's spoiled. 

She's cherished. She is loved. She is adored. I don't remember being "spoiled" at all as a child & I want my babies to know & remember that they are cherished, loved, and adored. If that is what you see spoiled as, then yes, that's what all of my children are. So you can stand down because I won't stop loving or showing them love because you don't agree with the way I do.

Thank the Lord this PPD is easing off a bit. It still comes in waves & I get manic & have major anxiety here and there at the most in opportune times , but at least it's not as overwhelming as it once was. Life is a process. I'm just trying to work through it the best way I know how. 

I am grateful for this life. No, I don't have all the answers but I'm working side-by-side with the Lord on the answers that work best for our family. 

I am grateful that God sees fit for me to work with young ladies in recovery from drugs & alcohol. I would have never thought I would be doing anything of the such, but here I am letting God lead me. 

Yesterday in Church, He spoke a Word to me. I absolutely love that expression because it means I'm listening. I don't always listen. I hear Him, but I don't always listen. He's been speaking to me regarding an issue for what seems like an eternity & yesterday, it registered: "Let it Go". 

Can that be anymore clear? I was invited to Homecoming at a local church in my area that I have "ties" so-to-speak with & the  guest speaker was on point. God spoke right directly to me through this man. I didn't stick around to gab. I threw my hand up and out the door I went. I had to get home & feed the baby. 

He spoke to me & said, let these things go that you're holding on to. It's time. No, I'm not delusional, people. If you're Christian, God speaks & you either obey or ignore; you decide. Conviction tends to convince you eventually if you want to hee-haw around like I've been doing.

I've been overwhelmed by one big thing. I don't have a church home. Please don't get me wrong, I feel welcome everywhere I go, but I have not yet found the place where I want to move my letter. I feel sure that I will know. The reason I feel sure is because I was absolutely certain when I joined my former church on April 17th, 2011. I knew exactly where I wanted to be. For reasons beyond my control, the church is no longer & yesterday, I let it go. 

PRAISE & GLORY BE TO GOD, y'all. 

It has consumed me with angst for almost three years, when we decided we would no longer have Sunday service. I felt like the Israelites wandering around out in the wilderness. 

Not anymore. I'm free. I'm free to visit wherever my heart leads me. I'm free to see where God needs me. Since I chose Him, He has set me free repeatedly. 

"The Lord has been so good to me, 

He set my captive spirit free,

Old things are passed away,

Ever since that blessed day."

-I'm in a New World (hymn)

I wanted to head in an altogether different direction with this post but the Lord apparently had this direction. 

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up. --- James 4:10

Lip Service (To Be Heard)

.

*** DISCLAIMER: ***

This post will be broken, chaotic & pieced together. I can't promise that it will make much sense either, but it must evacuate my brain. 

I am going to do every bit of this for the rest of my days. 

Today has been an interesting today. I've felt the devil attacking me. Telling me that God's doing no good through my testimony. Telling me that people of authority do not like me & would rather not be "bothered" by me.

God has adjusted my focus. My testimony is powerful. God can work through me in the lives of addicts. I pray that seed is planted. God will water it.  

I was able to express some things at Bible study today that [desperately] needed to be heard.  Drug addiction is an awful waste of beautiful lives. 

I know this because I am a recovering addict. My family suffered because of my ignorance. I am grateful to God for being there for me when I didn't know anything about Him. He was there when all I was interested in serving was myself. 

He was there when lip service was all I had to offer. I could pick scripture out of my dust-covered Bible & throw it at someone or justify my behavior. I wasn't interested in digging deeper and understanding God's Word. I was interested in saying that I believed in God and not even knowing what that meant exactly.

So often we look to society to tell us how to live. 

Big mistake; HUGE.

I check my guidebook --- The Bible. Society will lead you astray. Everyone always wants help from someone. The Bible is full of answers. Your circumstances will be drastically different if you live for the Lord. I know this to be true. 

The people, places & things in your life will change when the Lord is first. Losing all my friends was a scary part of recovery for me. The fact that they weren't friends was an even  harder pill to swallow; no punn intended --- har har har. Sure, it was rough for a while. God was there. "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you." My "friends" weren't and they still aren't, but it is well with my soul. 

The Lord opened up incredible new doors and Godly examples walked through them. The Lord knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. The Lord knew He would use me. I'm so incredibly grateful and humbled by my experiences; then and now. 

From an early age I experienced pain no child or adult, for that matter, should have to experience & God is delivering me from these situations. Granted, they are my story. My early story is but a stepping stone into the amazing grace that saved a wretch like me. 

He set me free yes He set me free
He broke the bonds of prison for me
I'm glory bound my Jesus to see
for glory to God He set me free

Since My First Breath (To Be Heard)

I tend to scratch more than just the surface with my blog posts. I remember my very first post & I had a lot to say, I just wasn't ready to voice it. I wasn't brave enough to say what needed to be said but, You Make Me Brave.


The Lord was working in my life before I ever knew what Salvation meant. I didn't know what it meant to be saved. I knew there was more, I just didn't know which way to turn, or what to believe. I never spent much time seeking Him. I spent years (around fifteen of them) repressing emotions that were painful & covering up situations that I'd prefer to erase, by using drugs & alcohol.


Six years ago, I could not physically say that. I honestly didn't know where I stood in this life. Here's why: I had no foundation.


Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.-Luke 6:47-49 (ESV)


I didn't realize how much the Holy Spirit was working in my life, but I knew something was different. I knew there was more. I began actively seeking Him in September of 2010; five months after that first blog post. It's almost been six years since I took my first breath. I tend to have a flare for the dramatic but this, this is The Gospel. Literally. When I started actively seeking Him, it was almost like I was just learning to breathe. Honestly, I don't recall what that felt like but if I had to guess, I'd assume this was it.


His Power is so incredible. It can make me break down out of nowhere, and praise Him for the work He does in my life. So often we don't give God praise like we should. We just want Him to do more & more & more. We get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget who's in control. Amen?


Last week I had some bad days. Not your average bad days; oh no, far worse. These days were like my breath was taken from me, slowly. I turned to scripture every single chance that I got because I know, without Him I am nothing. Without Him, I know where I'd be---doing dope. That's not an option anymore, but I still have to scoop out the bad things that happened to make me turn to drugs in the first place & replace those areas with healthy behaviors. Apparently, it gets worse before it gets better. I can vouch for that.


My oldest son & I have been butting heads over the last several months & last night as I prayed, I completely & willfully gave it all to God. I was at breaking point & I finally realized that I will get nowhere unless I let go & let God handle it. God gave me a new perspective today. I knew it when I woke up this morning & I even woke up a few minutes late so I could've just been Bitter Betty, but I wasn't!! Owen has gotten use to waking up when his Daddy does (30 minutes earlier) and he didn't today. With my new perspective, I was able to handle the meltdown differently. Praise the Lord!!!


Instead of being High-Strung Harriet this afternoon, I had a plan. I stuck to it & my boys and I spent most of the afternoon/evening outside. We played together. He was polite to me & his brother. I praised him for such great manners and his willingness to get his homework done & AR book read without a fight. We really enjoyed this afternoon. I just wanted to take the time to share this & give God praise for what He does best---take care of everything. Praise God!


Can I promise that I'll never be Bitter Betty or High-Strung Harriet again? Nope. I can promise one thing:

I know Who will fix it.

In God's Time, Not Mine (To Be Heard)

Over this last year, I have grown tremendously in my Walk with The Lord. I have grown in my recovery, as well. I try, on a daily basis, to accept what The Lord has in store for me. That's not always easy. I catch myself saying, "I know it's in Your time God, but could you hurry up a little?" 
I'm impatient with His time. Sometimes He doesn't move nearly as fast as I need Him to. Been there? If you're human, I'll step out on a limb here & say that you have, at least once. And if you're not human, how are reading this Mr. Roboto? Ah yes, it's early. And with early, comes lame humor. You're welcome. 
There's been a variety of things going on in my life that require much prayer. There are things that I'd prefer not to be experiencing but, that's not how God works. Nope. You get what you get when He gives it so, "Brace up!" (in the words of a lovely Christian mentor that I was blessed to know). 

I consulted my Guidebook for this morsel:

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. - Hebrews 13:5 (KJV)

"I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Powerful, right? 

There's no need to fret, He's got life covered. 

It's My Turn to Shine (To Be Heard)

I've been indifferent this week. I've not felt like myself. I didn't go to Bible Study Wednesday night or Thursday morning, which is NOT like me to skip out on fellowship with sisters & brothers in Christ. Jesus is with me everyday, I don't need to be in a pew to serve the Lord. However, we all have days, weeks, sometimes months, where we we're not feeling like ourselves. 

I've pretty much stayed away from Facebook aside from a random 'like' here or a comment there. As much as individuals say they just don't like confrontation, Facebook is apparently the place to express it---cryptically, at that. That gives me a headache and I've had one of those this week & quite frankly, I prefer to avoid any additional headache at all cost.

When I started this blog, I never thought I'd still be writing almost six years later. I come to know the Lord in the same year, five months after starting this blog. Yes, I remember dates like the back of my hand. They stick in there. Remembering my grocery list however, nope. It stays right on the kitchen table when I walk out the door. 

I had no intention really with this post, or this blog, for that matter. The only intention that I ever have when I write is to express how I am feeling because there is more room on the outside than there is inside and I need space---lots of space. I'm fairly low maintenance, until it comes to how much space that I need. 

Come to think of it, that [space] that I created for myself two weeks ago has been a huge help. I didn't realize it but, I had inadvertently crammed my schedule so full with doing things for other people that I had no time for myself.   Okay so, I knew I was doing it, but did it anyway because that's a part of my flawed character. A great woman once said to me, "we are none perfect." Such a great lady, I only knew for a short while & she has recently passed on to be with the Lord. 

It's time. It's time for me to shine. The Lord has opened, as well as closed, a plethora of doors for me over the last five and a half years. As a matter of fact, within the last year alone, I have grown so much in my drug recovery. He has opened so many doors this last year for me to grow into this secure, loved, competent human being.  No, I haven't been a blithering mess for many years, but He's polishing me for great things. 

As iron sharpens iron,

    so one person sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

I know that there are great days ahead because He's here with me. He walks beside me when I need it and this last week, He's carried me & I've felt His presence the whole time. I'm okay. Whatever heads my way, I'm prepared. 

I can do all things 

through Christ 

who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13 (NKJV) 

8 Years Clean & Free (To Be Heard)

Eight years ago, I found out I was six weeks pregnant. I couldn't change the damage that I'd done to my unborn baby, but I could from there on out & I have. I am eight years meth free today. 

There was a time, I didn't think I'd make it without it & I'd never see the other side. I'm on the other side. 

God has seen fit for me to grow in my recovery by leaps and bounds over the last year & I am over the moon. I have been blessed to be able to work with a number of folks in recovery & they have helped me along mine. 

 I have most recently become a sponsor. 

If you think you can't, you won't. If you think you can, you will. 

I have learned a number of things along my journey. Here are a few snippets:

1. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

2. Don't compromise your integrity for anyone.

& 3. If you're not serving God, you are on the wrong path. 

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. 

- John 8:32 (KJV)

I Trust Him

It's impossible to express how much these words are etched into my life. Day after day for the last week, these words have been in my face, time and time again. 

My lesson at Bible Study today, focused on these two short & incredibly powerful words --- Trust God. Do I consistently trust Him? I try. I'm notorious for 'taking it back'. I give whatever my issue is to Him, & I take it back when He's not resolved my problem in what I think, is sufficient time. I remind myself that things He does, take time. They do. My time is nothing. 

Over and over in my lesson, I caught myself repeating the words, "Trust God."

That's what I'm going to do. 

 

Stay Connected to the Vine

Yesterday, Owen and I went school shopping. We had the day to ourselves & he & I both, were on our best behavior. We had lunch and I asked him if Evan and I could eat breakfast with him this year and he said no. It made me laugh. Last year, I embarrassed him. 

As we were headed home, tears were welling up in my eyes. This handsome young man that will be seven years old in a few short weeks, saved my life. God gave me this boy & I am so overwhelmingly grateful at times. Being a parent is the most rewardingly difficult job that I have ever and will ever have. 

God knew what I needed and I didn't even know God. Isn't it funny how when push comes to shove, we show up or show out? We have two choices: we can choose to or choose not to. This is in every aspect of our lives. 

As I'm going through Bible study this morning, pride is the focus & ironically enough, pride has been on my mind lately. You never know what road your life will take. You don't know that you won't ever go back where you once were; God does though. Don't make assumptions, get puffed up and think it's not possible for you to slide (in whatever area your issue is in), because it is possible. God is in control. We are not in control. As much as we would like to believe that we are, we are not. 

Stay connected to the vine.

I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. John 15:5 (KJV)

With Christ, I'm Possible.

This may seem to be just a painting. It's much more than that. It's my heart and soul poured onto this canvas. It's years of thinking I couldn't. It's years of thinking I was nothing & I would never amount to anything because I'd never push hard enough to try. 
This painting symbolizes my recovery from drug addiction & alcohol abuse. This painting represents years of not speaking out about being sexually abused. This painting embodies all that I have grown to be. 
Several weeks back, I had a conversation with a friend whom I've grown close with recently. I said how life for me was impossible without Christ. But with Christ, I'm possible! 
When I was lost, I would wander around aimlessly never knowing what was next. Always thinking, "why me? Why does all this stuff have to happen to me?" Christ wasn't present in my life. He didn't instruct my days. He didn't lead me to the path of righteousness. You know why? Because I didn't want Him to. 
I wasn't interested in changing one iota of my life for anyone; let alone Christ. I came to Him & He has cleaned me up. I'm far from perfect. I won't get the Mother of the Year Award, or Wife of the Year Award for that matter but, I do my best to do what is acceptable in the eyes of the Lord on a minute-to-minute basis. Not just because it's Sunday, or because I know someone sees me, because it's every day, and what you do behind closed doors matters just as much, as what you do in the public eye.
There are people who are still waiting in the wings for me to fail & I'm okay with that. I think they'll always be there, watching and waiting. Sometimes it's incredibly irritating, but I'm doing my best to be understanding. 
This painting is the beginning of great things to come. My intentions are a line of products dedicated to the "I'm Possible" theme. I will donate 10% of the purchase price (of each work) to Speakyoursilence.org. Follow the link that I have provided & find out more information on #thestitch. Stay tuned for excellence.

With Christ, I'm Possible. 

Letting Go of Shame

I am not that scared little girl anymore who couldn't speak for herself. I am not the little girl who was being blackmailed into not telling anyone that she was being sexually abused. As I write this, tears cover my cheeks in such a way I'm able to see the forest, in spite of the trees & I am free. I am free of the pain I have experienced for the last twenty-eight years & it feels incredible to let the tears flow & the freedom rush in.  

Sexual abuse DOES NOT deserve capitalization, but I'll give it. Sexual abuse robbed me of my childhood. It robbed me of my innocence. It robbed me of my self-esteem. It robbed me of any respect I had for myself & for others; at such an early age.

This morning, as I sat eagerly waiting to absorb the goodness that Bible study brings, I had no idea what God would lead me to do. He directs me how He needs me & I follow suit. We were reviewing last week’s homework & having discussion. The conversation led to our children. In a woman’s comment, she spoke how she worked several days a week at her work-related job with children who had been sexually abused, but caring for her children was her main focus. BOOM! It hit me like a ton of bricks; share your story. What are you waiting on?

This morning was actually the first time I have spoken out to a room full of people about the abuse. It was quite liberating. Putting “it” in print is also a first for me. I have recently been praying for God to free me from this incredibly suffocating experience that no child (or anyone else) should EVER have to experience & help me to work through the twenty-eight years of pain & residual issues I have experienced from the act of abuse itself. He is blessing me beyond measure by providing me with the strength to move forward. 

Forward, out of the dead of winter & into the fresh, new growth of spring.  

I'm HUMAN. I Hope You are, too.

I didn't realize I scheduled my first Art Journaling class on my anniversary, but I did. He has a plan for me.

2,190 days clean from meth today. 

For those of you that have been with me every step of the way with support & love:

1 Thessalonians 5:11 - Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.

I thank you. Support is key.

I Am Redeemed

Today marks my 5th year anniversary (1/7/08) of being clean from crystal meth. No, the words don't deserve capitalization. Nothing about the drug deserves anything. In the years that I have remained clean, I have gone through stages of a better me. 

When I first got clean, very few believed it. Heck, I could hardly believe it myself sometimes. 

At first, I didn't come to Christ. I didn't come to Christ because things were so bad (as folks tend to do), I came to Christ because things were so good (a couple years later).

Life is worth so much more than I could have ever imagined. As much as I thought I knew about life, I knew nothing but how to use a crutch to get through every day. Without Him, I am nothing.

I am so Blessed to be Saved By His Grace.

Four Glorious Years

Four years ago today, I detached myself from a habit I thought I was unable to live without. I was a complete mess and so was my life. I'm not saying it was easy. In the beginning, it certainly wasn't easy at all;  but I'm proof that you can. 

I am openly honest about my former drug addiction and I have no desire to be otherwise. If you're interested in judging, that's you and Your Walk. I am completely comfortable with who I am, who I was and who I strive to be. I always say this because it's true: 

If I'd not been there, I wouldn't be here. That's my motto, I guess you'd say.

Honesty is an important step for my recovery. I'm not exactly sure how the 12 steps work, but my steps have been honesty and support from those I love. Unfortunately, along my way there have been looks of disbelief and judgement; which I'm sure happens to everyone to who makes a change in their lives. For some reason, people tend to judge that that they do not understand or are unwilling to remove from their lives.

I wish I could wrap my arms around every one that experiences this pain in their life and tell them, it gets better. It gets easier. It gets glorious! 

I want so badly to be a recovery advocate. I want to shout my story from the rooftops and help those that need it. Sadly, I know from my own recovery, you have to have the "want to" before anything changes. I struggled with drug and alcohol addiction in some form or another from 15 years old. I am now 32 years old and completely drug and alcohol free! So, when i say life is glorious, that's an understatement. 

If you read this and have any suggestions on how I may go about being a recovery advocate, please feel free to comment here. Also, feel free to share this publicly or privately to anyone you feel may need to hear this! SUPPORT IS KEY!

If She Only Knew

As I sat in Church this morning, thirsty for knowledge, I realized, I am here. I am in the moment. The service seemed to be directed at how my life once was and up until that moment, I didn't realize how far from that life I was and had been for so long. When you get used to something, whether it be good or bad, you're used to it. You expect it (whatever it may be) on a daily basis because it's what you know.

For years and years I couldn't understand why things happened the way they did in my life. I didn't realize that I was the one that was initially causing all those problems that I tried so hard to blame on everyone else and get so far away from. I was my own worst enemy.

On January 7th, 2008, my life changed.

If I only knew then, what I know now. If I could just tell the girl I was then, what was in store for her. Just so you know, speaking of myself in the third person, does not make me crazy, it makes sense. All my life, I've worked so hard against what I was actually working towards. Seems like it wouldn't have taken so many years of nonsense for me to get my head screwed on straight, but apparently, it did. And that's okay.

I'm still not perfect. I probably won't ever be able to mind my own business because when I care about someone, I tend to have a busy-body way of showing it. I still have bad days. A Sailor Made mouth still slips from time to time, but I'm still working on me. That's the best part. I am not perfect, but I am here. I am in the moment.

All my life, I have wanted to be right here, right where I am. If she only knew....

I don't think

I don't think

I'd be the person I am, had I not been who I used to be.

I don't think

life is perfect.

I don't think

I'm perfect.

I don't think

chivalry is dead.

I don't think

you can take back what is already set in motion.

I don't think

forgiveness is as easy as people insist it is.

I don't think

you can ever go wrong when you trust your instincts.