Shake the Sugar Tree (To Be Heard)

Today she would have been seventy-seven years old. The woman who taught me much about life, love, what to do, what not to do & how to make fudge is spending her second birthday in heaven.

I didn't say I wouldn't get emotional this year. I didn't say I wouldn't cry. I didn't set myself up for anything but accepting that she's gone. Everyone deals with death in their own way. I prepared for her death for years in advance. I am aware how neurotic this sounds. No matter how neurotic, it's what I did. I visited more, called incessantly & made all efforts to cement our lives together to memory.

Gramma Jean loved Honeybell's. These delicious little oranges that are ready each year around the time of her birthday. It just so happens, we have a Cutie tree growing wild in edge of the woods behind our house.  Coincidence? Could be. I think it was discovered  two years ago, but it could be three by now. I can't remember. My memory consists primarily of post-it notes since having children.

At any rate, I was out for some exercise this evening & I thought to myself, 'what better time to check on the Cutie's than today, of all days?'

Much like my Gramma Jean, this tree was hard to shake. I didn't bring the picker because the trip wasn't planned. I was able to get one little Cutie to munch on for the walk back up to the house. 

I miss her all the time & by all the time, I mean that she's everywhere. She's in my heart. She's in my mind. I think about her several times a day. I can't count the times that I wish I could call her & ask her for her help. She's all over my house in the things that she's given me over the years & the moments we shared in pictures. I can hear her telling me what to do when I need help. It's not the same, but I know she's here with me. I feel her here watching over me & the kids. I can still feel how it felt to cry on her shoulder the last time that I needed it. She was always there for me. I didn't always like her answers & we most assuredly didn't always agree, but I could always depend on her to stand in & be my Mother.

God, I miss her & her tough love. 

Happy Birthday, Gramma.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

- Philippians 4:13