The Pain-Filled Stall (To Be Heard)

It's been three months since I've written; here, anyhow. I've written in private extensively, just not here. Today it became painfully clear that it's time to stop avoiding obedience.

Is the road clear? Am I okay to share now? I honestly don't know but I can't wait another minute to. I haven't been blogging or posting live Facebook videos due to the fact that I haven't been able to share this publicly because of fear. Fear of what someone may say, how they may judge or blah, blah, blah----a million other things to be afraid of.

As I was speaking in Bible study at the jail this afternoon, I caught myself say, "people are gonna judge. It doesn't matter what you do. They can be saying one thing to your face & feel a completely different way." Amen? I would like to believe that everyone says what they mean and means what they say but I'm not that naive. That's not how the world works.

Here goes...

On September 20th, I had  to admit myself to St. Simon's By The Sea. It's local rehabilitation center known in my area for help with substance abuse. Here's the thing, I didn't use. I wanted to. In my mind, I felt weak. Like I should have been able to deal and/or cope on my own, but I couldn't. I found myself on a daily basis, sitting in my kitchen floor crying, for no real reason at all, but everything all at once.

I'd been having thoughts of suicide & that's not like me at all. I typically love life & the people I'm surrounded by, so when suicidal thoughts rear their ugly head, I know I've made it to a dark place & it's time to do something different. I've been in that dark place before a few times throughout my life & when I get "there", there's not much lower I can go. It's time to seek help.

Honestly, it's been brutal since Laurel was born. I thought I could "handle"it. I thought it would end sooner or later but it hasn't. The day before I checked in, I called my obgyn, rode to Brunswick for an "emergency" visit & told him I needed to schedule a hysterectomy; twenty minutes ago. I told him what I was experiencing & he said, "well Alisha, what if it doesn't change anything? "And of course, I'm like, what do you mean? Long story short, he recommends that I see a psychiatrist. I tell him I'm not crazy, but I respect his opinion and will do what he thinks is best.

All my life I've been conditioned to just take things. To stuff them. To keep on stuffing them. Early on because children should be seen and not heard, pretty much. My teen years & early adulthood mostly because women shouldn't be "as loud as I am and have an opinion".

"You just stand over there & look pretty," I've been told. 

If you know me, then you know that went over about as well as a bull in a China shop.

 I have stopped myself, I can't tell you how many times over the last two months, from writing this because of judgment so if that is why you're here, so you can spread the word about what a kook I am, STEP OFF. If you feel the need to tell me about how emotional I am, you can SHUT IT & STEP OFF. I absolutely have no time for that garbage. The voices that have expressed it, have been loud enough for me to mention and I'm sick of it. You dig? 

Basically, I've been on-and-off of antidepressants & nothing has worked. In the nut ward ( yes, I called it that the whole time I was there & still do), I was able to speak with a psychiatrist about what was happening & he decided on a medicine that he thought may work for me. It makes me flat. I love being extra. Extra is who I am by nature. I love me like I am. I just don't want to be either angry all the time, or crying in my kitchen floor. I have no idea why that's the place that I go to lose my shit, but I do. Yes I said shit. Poop isn't an adequate description. I reiterate, judge somebody else. 

I stayed at SSI by the sea for four days, When I came home, I wasn't sure anything would be any different, but slowly, the medicine started to work and I am able to enjoy the little moments again.  

The anxiety attacks are less and less and the good times are more.  

It's likely I'll forget the major part of what I wanted to talk about, but I think this is sufficient, for now. God is using this to grow me & help others, I am sure of it. I do feel a bit better now that I am not crying all of the time. I was isolating & wouldn't go anywhere. I would cancel events. I wouldn't visit with friends. It still happens, but not nearly as much. 

If there is someone you know that is suffering PLEASE, reach out to them. Tell them how much you love them. Encourage them to seek treatment. 

So often we say (referring to someone who has committed suicide): I never knew anything was wrong. 

If someone is giving you cues that something is wrong, quit being so quick to judge & listen. HELP THEM. Start by praying for them. Telling someone to "get over it" is NOT HELPFUL. Believe me, if I could just get over it, I wouldn't being experiencing this for this long. 

The only way that I made it this far is God & for the people who consistently pray for me. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Keep Going (To Be Heard)

As I wait for my coffee to brew, I'll start this post. I've got so many plates in the air, I'm not quite sure how I manage somedays. Other days, I feel as if I don't do enough.

I'm still poor at time management. I feel like I need a workshop of some sort to show me, step-by-step, where to start because it all seems so overwhelming from the sidelines. Have you ever had that problem? Unsure of where to start, so you just don't?

I did tackle one of those things that I've been 'meaning to' do. At least my 'meaning to' list is getting shorter. I moved my membership to a local church. It was past time. My church has been closed for years and I've been dragging my feet. I'm trying to let my faith be bigger than my fear. I fail, but I continue to try.  Honestly, that's most days. Sometimes I flourish, sometimes I fail. I can't expect perfection. I can strive for greatness always.

I am excited about my move. Honestly, I have had no desire really to move my membership until helping with Vacation Bible School & I just felt it. I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to take a leap of faith & move; so I did. I'm pleased with my move.

Thursday of this week is Open House at NPS & NES. Yes, two schools this year. Wow, the years are moving by quickly. The expression that the days move slow & the years quickly is the absolute truth. I am so overwhelmed and ready to start back to school. No, that's probably not what people 'want to hear' from a stay-at-home-mom, but I'm okay with that, and I'm okay with me.  You be okay with you because I've got me.

I'm looking forward to being kid-free (all of them) from 8-2 for two days a week. Maybe that doesn't sound like a whole lot of time, but I can regroup a bit during that time. I can be Alisha. I can do what I want to do & not have to pick up after anyone. Sure sounds selfish, doesn't it? It's not. There's nothing wrong with aiming to be mentally fit to parent & that's what I consider from free time. It's like a spa for my brain. Yeah, it's late & I'm rambling.

I'm thinking I need to make myself a schedule & NOT break it. That would help with my time management. Maybe I'm on to something. I've been trying to leave the house earlier to be on time to things. I'm doing better. Okay, not always, but better than I was.

It's funny, I started composing this today sometime, while I was brewing a cup of coffee & I'm finishing it, brewing a cup of coffee. I'm so predictable. I didn't even use to drink coffee. Funny. I finally got the baby to sleep. After two long rides around the farm, I laid her in her crib & she went down. I'm serious, some days seem completely impossible but the simple fact is this: they're  great. I can't ask for anything more. Any one day saved beats all the days I was lost.

As I went for my follow up today at the dentist, it started pouring down rain. I pulled over on the side of the road and took this picture.

Right now, if you're experiencing something, keep going; there will be a break in the clouds. That's all I could think when I saw this. It made me think of the post partum depression that I've made it through (PRAISE THE LORD) for the second time & I am so grateful that I kept going. God is in control. If He leads us to it, He'll lead us through it. 

KEEP GOING!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

It's My Turn to Shine (To Be Heard)

I've been indifferent this week. I've not felt like myself. I didn't go to Bible Study Wednesday night or Thursday morning, which is NOT like me to skip out on fellowship with sisters & brothers in Christ. Jesus is with me everyday, I don't need to be in a pew to serve the Lord. However, we all have days, weeks, sometimes months, where we we're not feeling like ourselves. 

I've pretty much stayed away from Facebook aside from a random 'like' here or a comment there. As much as individuals say they just don't like confrontation, Facebook is apparently the place to express it---cryptically, at that. That gives me a headache and I've had one of those this week & quite frankly, I prefer to avoid any additional headache at all cost.

When I started this blog, I never thought I'd still be writing almost six years later. I come to know the Lord in the same year, five months after starting this blog. Yes, I remember dates like the back of my hand. They stick in there. Remembering my grocery list however, nope. It stays right on the kitchen table when I walk out the door. 

I had no intention really with this post, or this blog, for that matter. The only intention that I ever have when I write is to express how I am feeling because there is more room on the outside than there is inside and I need space---lots of space. I'm fairly low maintenance, until it comes to how much space that I need. 

Come to think of it, that [space] that I created for myself two weeks ago has been a huge help. I didn't realize it but, I had inadvertently crammed my schedule so full with doing things for other people that I had no time for myself.   Okay so, I knew I was doing it, but did it anyway because that's a part of my flawed character. A great woman once said to me, "we are none perfect." Such a great lady, I only knew for a short while & she has recently passed on to be with the Lord. 

It's time. It's time for me to shine. The Lord has opened, as well as closed, a plethora of doors for me over the last five and a half years. As a matter of fact, within the last year alone, I have grown so much in my drug recovery. He has opened so many doors this last year for me to grow into this secure, loved, competent human being.  No, I haven't been a blithering mess for many years, but He's polishing me for great things. 

As iron sharpens iron,

    so one person sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

I know that there are great days ahead because He's here with me. He walks beside me when I need it and this last week, He's carried me & I've felt His presence the whole time. I'm okay. Whatever heads my way, I'm prepared. 

I can do all things 

through Christ 

who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13 (NKJV) 

Shake the Sugar Tree (To Be Heard)

Today she would have been seventy-seven years old. The woman who taught me much about life, love, what to do, what not to do & how to make fudge is spending her second birthday in heaven.

I didn't say I wouldn't get emotional this year. I didn't say I wouldn't cry. I didn't set myself up for anything but accepting that she's gone. Everyone deals with death in their own way. I prepared for her death for years in advance. I am aware how neurotic this sounds. No matter how neurotic, it's what I did. I visited more, called incessantly & made all efforts to cement our lives together to memory.

Gramma Jean loved Honeybell's. These delicious little oranges that are ready each year around the time of her birthday. It just so happens, we have a Cutie tree growing wild in edge of the woods behind our house.  Coincidence? Could be. I think it was discovered  two years ago, but it could be three by now. I can't remember. My memory consists primarily of post-it notes since having children.

At any rate, I was out for some exercise this evening & I thought to myself, 'what better time to check on the Cutie's than today, of all days?'

Much like my Gramma Jean, this tree was hard to shake. I didn't bring the picker because the trip wasn't planned. I was able to get one little Cutie to munch on for the walk back up to the house. 

I miss her all the time & by all the time, I mean that she's everywhere. She's in my heart. She's in my mind. I think about her several times a day. I can't count the times that I wish I could call her & ask her for her help. She's all over my house in the things that she's given me over the years & the moments we shared in pictures. I can hear her telling me what to do when I need help. It's not the same, but I know she's here with me. I feel her here watching over me & the kids. I can still feel how it felt to cry on her shoulder the last time that I needed it. She was always there for me. I didn't always like her answers & we most assuredly didn't always agree, but I could always depend on her to stand in & be my Mother.

God, I miss her & her tough love. 

Happy Birthday, Gramma.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

- Philippians 4:13 

She is with me.

I caught myself at the store the other day, searching for the hard candy that Gramma used to buy all the time. I don't even like it. Rarely did I ever have any when she was alive. Why do I now want it when she's dead?

It's funny how we grieve. I'm not sure I've even grieved for her. I understand that she is no longer at the doctor's office every other day trying to figure out what's wrong. Not just one doctor, many doctors. Not just one time, in fact, I couldn't tell you how many doctor appointments that she had over the last several years. I'm not sure about triple digits, but I'm positive about double digits. 

This doll was Gramma's favorite. To me, it's creepy. I do not like it in the slightest; I never have. Where is it now? On my mantle beside my first angel I bought in 1997. The angel was the topper on my very first Christmas tree.

I looked at the doll over and over in the box and even thought about it being in the box before I decided that I wouldn't give it to Goodwill (Gramma's favorite store), I would display it. No idea. Well, I have an idea. God. Sometimes He tells us to do things we don't want to do. I think He wants me to grieve for her. I don't really know how to. 

I talk to her. As nuts as it seemed to me that she talked to Tolly every time her clock chimed, I probably seem just as nuts for talking to her randomly throughout each day. She's everywhere in our home.

She gave me this ornament years ago. It came in its own little special box. I remember thinking, I don't need any more junk, but I didn't say it. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She loved to give me things. 

I'm glad I didn't say it. As a matter if fact, I'm glad I didn't say a lot of things. Gramma and I disagreed a lot on parenting tactics. A difference in four decades, raising & lifestyle, I suppose.

I made this shadow box for her. The shells inside are ones we collected together. I just recently hung it on my wall. It took me several months to even walk out to the shed. We donated her clothes to an abused women's shelter. They sat in the shed for months before I had the nerve to go through them. 

I'm grateful for all the events that led to me moving to Georgia & moving in with Gramma. I was an awful mess then & for a very long time after but, it got me to where I am now. She saw that. She was there for the birth of both of my babies & my wedding. She didn't think I would ever get married. If I had to guess, she probably thought I'd be a mess forever.

Then I started on my walk with Christ. It took Him about eight months to clean me up to 'mint' condition. I grow daily with Him and she knew that. She was here to see me succeed. Succeed in my walk with Christ.

It's not the holiday so much, that makes me miss her. I miss her every time I need an answer to a question. I reach to call her frequently. I bought her a Christmas card the other day. Yes, I am fully aware that her body is gone. 

She is everywhere. I'd like to believe that she's here with me half the time & the other half, she's with George. He took care of her when I was unable. I have those memories. I have no regrets. I wouldn't bring her back if I could, because she felt so bad all of the time. That doesn't make me miss her any less.

This Snowman Tree was made for Gramma by a sweet friend she met when she lived across the bridge from Topsail Island, NC. It's my prized possession. I will cherish it forever. I always told her that I wanted it. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me. -- Philippians 4:13

His Grace

As I sip my freshly brewed cup of Maxwell House (that I bought on sale) and listen to Liberate Me by Rachel Sauls, I know that I am Blessed. I am Blessed to be given one more day on this beautiful Earth and one more day to spend with the two loves of my life.

This day has been electrifying (to say the least). Words cannot express what I feel. Exactly where I am is exactly where I want to be.

I spent this glorious day with treasured family. We celebrated our dear son's third birthday. The celebration of his birthday has been an emotional experience for me. I'm trying to keep this is mind:

Don't be afraid of change because it is always necessary for progress. --- Joyce Meyer

Although I usually (usually, not always) embrace change with open arms, it is quite difficult for me to embrace that my baby is growing up. As I stop to reflect on the years that Owen has been in our life to mold us into the parents we are, I am pleased. He is proof of who we were are as people, as individuals.

I know I will be that Mommy; you know, the one outside the pre-k door holding her box of Kleenex, fogging up the window with tears, when it's time for Owen to start school. One thing I know:

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me --- Philippians 4:13