Healing is Possible

It's been a year, yesterday, since I've written. I think I've finally made it to a point where I'm willing to share. 

I have been immersing myself in scripture daily because I need Jesus. I don't know about you, but I do. 

Situations, circumstances, people, self!

Yes, I need Jesus. 

Whether or not my own actions cause me turmoil, or the actions of others, I am ALWAYS seeking scripture.

As a matter of fact, that's what landed me in front of the computer as I dye my hair & relax while Laurel naps. 

{I started this post weeks ago & stopped because I judge the pen I put to paper much more harshly than anyone ever could} 

That being said, the scripture that I found about having a good heart in difficult times is:

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. - Ephesians 4:29 (ESV)

Being good is hard sometimes. The fleshly me wants to say what's on my mind. It's not always appropriate, no matter how much I feel like I need to say it. Why can't we just be honest with each other? 

Why can't we say things to one another that need to be said? No, that's not how the world works, I suppose. I've been sitting back watching & there's so much focus placed on people, places & things, that we have no space left to just experience life on God's terms. 

Let's discuss ideas, not people. 

My emotions change like the sun & the moon. My mind bounces from thought to thought, with no breaks in between. 

I took the Enneagram Test to see what my personality type is and I am a four, which is the romantic, creative individualist. It totally makes sense.

There's another really  vulnerable part of me is that I think that I'll never measure up. 

Eeek, seeing that in print stung a bit, but I'm tough & it's true. Sometimes the truth hurts, and that's okay. It can lead to healing, if you let it. 

I'm finally healing. The struggle is still very real. Anxiety and depression are still present but, working through issues instead of "stuffing" them, help me to heal. 

If something deeply effects me, I voice it. I can't not. Setting boundaries & following through with them is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for me. I think it may be the hardest part of this healing journey so far. 

I've always just done what people expect of me. By that I mean, if someone asks me to do something, I try my best to do what I can to make it happen, but I rarely think of me first & how it will put me & my family out. This is a hard character defect to unlearn. 

I am so much more at peace these days. I've learned to consistently say no to things that I don't want to do. I can choose. I don't have to do everything. 

Sure, my days are still pretty much chaos but, I have a husband, 3 kids, a business of which I own and manage, as well as a co-owned business with a partner, that has a storefront. 

My life is chaos. I'm okay with that. 

Life is good, so is God & healing is possible. 

If I strike you as different, I am. I no longer take responsibility for someone else's issues and pain by feeding into any of the nonsense. 

I'm clear on exactly where I'm at & if you fit, wonderful. If not, this is a new season of growth for me, it's time to prune dead limbs for new to flourish.

And flourish, is what He shall do through me. 

January 92nd, 2019 (To Be Heard)

 As I sit here in front of this screen, grasping my warm mug of coffee tightly between sentences of thoughts, I'm making myself count my blessings. I have been in such a foul mood for the most of the last two years (or what seems like the most of), I literally have to sit here & make myself count my blessings & pray for others to get myself out of this horrid funk that I'm in. 

I've been in and out of one doctor's office or another trying to find the root of the problem. I'm definitely tired of people insinuating that it's all in my head. I have been clinically diagnosed, but that doesn't mean this nonsense has to last forever & it certainly doesn't mean that my issues are all in my head.

I feel like I've tried everything under the sun trying to "fix" me & nothing has worked. Either my insurance isn't excepted & the bill is too big for me to pay to even be seen, or I try "one more thing" and that's not the answer either. It's a roller coaster that I want to get off of; NOW. I typically like roller coasters, but this one is a little more scary than I am accustomed to. 

All that being said, I'm depending on God 24/7 because I don't have a thing figured out & He knows all, so... When He makes His presence known, time and time again I am grateful for Him & what work He's done in me. 

Days feel impossible less & less, but they're still overwhelming some days. I thought I'd be "fixed" by now. I thought when I stopped doing drugs eleven years ago, I'd be better. I wouldn't have to struggle this hard just to live. Just to want to live. Just to find joy in the mundane. In the every day. I catch myself saying, "it's not fair" a lot. 

Then, in my mind, that opens the thought of what #4 (my Daddy's fourth wife) use to say, "nobody said life was fair." What does that mean exactly? Why would you tell that to a child? She was bipolar. There's no issue being bipolar, as long as you take your meds and/or learn to cope. That's not how it worked with her. She drank & popped pills & sometimes took her medicine & you want to talk about a roller coaster? Life with her was a roller coaster & the bolts on it weren't tight enough, if you're picking up what I'm laying down.

I had to write this. 

There is not enough room in my mind for all this anxiety. I'm overwhelmed and I need a break. A break from the reality that a whole house full of people need me and I just need to breathe. People freak out when I say things like that but it doesn't change the fact that it how it is. It doesn't make me love my family any less, it makes me need time to be whole. I'm so sick and tired of not feeling whole.

I'm not deleting  this. 

I would ordinarily, but this time, I'm not. People experience things like this all of the time & no one blinks eye, other than to say, "get over it." "You're fine." "You're just tired. You need some rest."

I am so sick of the stigma associated with mental illness. When people commit suicide, you hear all the time, "I never knew anything was wrong," or some garbage like that. Of course you didn't know anything was wrong because when you reply with, "get over it," or give the blank stare, nobody's gonna tell you anything of substance.  Hello?!

I have to talk about the stuff that no one wants to talk about to be okay with me. That's how it works for me. If I hide it, it controls me. I don't want to be controlled by anxiety & depression. I want to want to live & be free. I want to be well. Is that too much to ask? I don't think it is. One day I will be free. 

Though the fig tree does not bud

    and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

    and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

    and no cattle in the stalls,

 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

--- Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NIV)

Iron Sharpens Iron (To Be Heard)

This last year has brought so much emotion. I have been broken & repaired by the Great Physician. He always takes care of me, even when I question His timing; which I do frequently.

My blog posts are few & far between with all that is happening in the recent months. My dreams are literally coming true. A friend and I are opening a store downtown on January 19th & my carport is filled with transforming displays. 

My sewing machine is at the shop. Yes, the shop. The place that I go to work. That feels so good to say that. I have been at home raising children for the last eleven years & although I will still be raising children and that will be my first priority, I have a place to call my own. I get to go to work. 

A place to create. A place to go to that is for me. It's easy to lose your identity when you're a stay-at-home-mom. My identity has been wrapped up in milestones & chores. Chores that never seem to get finished and never seem to be appreciated. They are, of course, but it doesn't seem that way sometimes. 

As I appreciate that God has given me my desires, I know that we rise by lifting others. I am so blessed to lift.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17

The Pain-Filled Stall (To Be Heard)

It's been three months since I've written; here, anyhow. I've written in private extensively, just not here. Today it became painfully clear that it's time to stop avoiding obedience.

Is the road clear? Am I okay to share now? I honestly don't know but I can't wait another minute to. I haven't been blogging or posting live Facebook videos due to the fact that I haven't been able to share this publicly because of fear. Fear of what someone may say, how they may judge or blah, blah, blah----a million other things to be afraid of.

As I was speaking in Bible study at the jail this afternoon, I caught myself say, "people are gonna judge. It doesn't matter what you do. They can be saying one thing to your face & feel a completely different way." Amen? I would like to believe that everyone says what they mean and means what they say but I'm not that naive. That's not how the world works.

Here goes...

On September 20th, I had  to admit myself to St. Simon's By The Sea. It's local rehabilitation center known in my area for help with substance abuse. Here's the thing, I didn't use. I wanted to. In my mind, I felt weak. Like I should have been able to deal and/or cope on my own, but I couldn't. I found myself on a daily basis, sitting in my kitchen floor crying, for no real reason at all, but everything all at once.

I'd been having thoughts of suicide & that's not like me at all. I typically love life & the people I'm surrounded by, so when suicidal thoughts rear their ugly head, I know I've made it to a dark place & it's time to do something different. I've been in that dark place before a few times throughout my life & when I get "there", there's not much lower I can go. It's time to seek help.

Honestly, it's been brutal since Laurel was born. I thought I could "handle"it. I thought it would end sooner or later but it hasn't. The day before I checked in, I called my obgyn, rode to Brunswick for an "emergency" visit & told him I needed to schedule a hysterectomy; twenty minutes ago. I told him what I was experiencing & he said, "well Alisha, what if it doesn't change anything? "And of course, I'm like, what do you mean? Long story short, he recommends that I see a psychiatrist. I tell him I'm not crazy, but I respect his opinion and will do what he thinks is best.

All my life I've been conditioned to just take things. To stuff them. To keep on stuffing them. Early on because children should be seen and not heard, pretty much. My teen years & early adulthood mostly because women shouldn't be "as loud as I am and have an opinion".

"You just stand over there & look pretty," I've been told. 

If you know me, then you know that went over about as well as a bull in a China shop.

 I have stopped myself, I can't tell you how many times over the last two months, from writing this because of judgment so if that is why you're here, so you can spread the word about what a kook I am, STEP OFF. If you feel the need to tell me about how emotional I am, you can SHUT IT & STEP OFF. I absolutely have no time for that garbage. The voices that have expressed it, have been loud enough for me to mention and I'm sick of it. You dig? 

Basically, I've been on-and-off of antidepressants & nothing has worked. In the nut ward ( yes, I called it that the whole time I was there & still do), I was able to speak with a psychiatrist about what was happening & he decided on a medicine that he thought may work for me. It makes me flat. I love being extra. Extra is who I am by nature. I love me like I am. I just don't want to be either angry all the time, or crying in my kitchen floor. I have no idea why that's the place that I go to lose my shit, but I do. Yes I said shit. Poop isn't an adequate description. I reiterate, judge somebody else. 

I stayed at SSI by the sea for four days, When I came home, I wasn't sure anything would be any different, but slowly, the medicine started to work and I am able to enjoy the little moments again.  

The anxiety attacks are less and less and the good times are more.  

It's likely I'll forget the major part of what I wanted to talk about, but I think this is sufficient, for now. God is using this to grow me & help others, I am sure of it. I do feel a bit better now that I am not crying all of the time. I was isolating & wouldn't go anywhere. I would cancel events. I wouldn't visit with friends. It still happens, but not nearly as much. 

If there is someone you know that is suffering PLEASE, reach out to them. Tell them how much you love them. Encourage them to seek treatment. 

So often we say (referring to someone who has committed suicide): I never knew anything was wrong. 

If someone is giving you cues that something is wrong, quit being so quick to judge & listen. HELP THEM. Start by praying for them. Telling someone to "get over it" is NOT HELPFUL. Believe me, if I could just get over it, I wouldn't being experiencing this for this long. 

The only way that I made it this far is God & for the people who consistently pray for me. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Mean Girls, Snarky Comebacks & Weakness (To Be Heard)

I woke up at 3 am this morning. I went to the gym. I've been tapering off my anxiety medication & I'm almost done with it. It's been a process, much like everything else in my life. My Gramma spent a great deal of her life taking medication for mental illness & I don't want that to be me. It very well could be, if I let it.

I've had some impossible days lately. As a matter of fact, I get where I can't breathe. I mean that figuratively, not literally. I have a lot of irons in the fire. The fact that I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to word this without adding any new ridicule & judgement to my list is what's the worst.

Look---Shark Week is almost here & since the last two babies, it's not one week, it's two weeks out of a month where I'd rather cut certain people than talk to them; or even think about them for that matter. And by certain, I mean three specific people. But here's the thing, I NEVER see them.

They've added me on Facebook, but they don't follow me. You know what I'm talking about. The mean girls that are entitled and present themselves as something completely different than what they really are. Ugh, it gives me a headache.

I'm aware how paranoid this sounds. My Gramma told me a long time ago to trust my gut. She was rarely wrong. If my intuition, my instinct leads me in a certain way, it's likely to be true. Sometimes it's not, but usually...

I want nothing more than to call them out & be absolutely hateful about it, but what good is that doing? None. The old me comes out sometimes, along with her snarky comebacks & 3rd person references.

Don't get it twisted. I'm not trying to be cryptic but if I actually, physically called these three heifers out, they would deny, deny, deny 'til the day they die, die, die. My friend Joanie said that to me years ago & it stuck with me. I love her so much. At this point is where I'm thinking that I should probably delete this because somebody will think that this is about them because they're paranoid about what they may or may not have done to someone. Blah. If you're thinking it's about you, ask me. I'll tell you. It's very doubtful that it is though.

Oh look, squirrel!

I have to get all of this out of my head because it's hindering me. How, you ask? Or not, but I'll tell you anyway. If you're still here reading this, you already know to settle in.

Yesterday Evan and I went to his best friend's birthday party! YAY! He loves to play & I absolutely love for him to be happy. Win, win! I totally feel comfortable there because they're awesome Christian people who don't present anything other than what they are & I LOVE THAT! Honestly, these people are totally my people. I say that because I love real & I love kind & they are all that!

There was a really cool slide there & the steps were super steep. I came prepared to get wet but was reluctant. As I sat there crocheting (off to myself for a while), watching and listening to the fun being had by all, I wanted so bad to climb that slide & see how much fun it was!!

The voice in my head was like,  'no Alisha,'. And then I started talking to some ladies & that voice presented itself out of my mouth. Who was that? That's not me at all. I'm confident in my abilities. Well, usually. Who was that girl saying that I couldn't? Like, where did she come from? I don't know her. I couldn't believe I was saying those things. Out of my shoes I came, up that ladder I went & down I came. No, it wasn't hard like I made it out to be. Now, if I did it all afternoon, I'm sure I'd be in need of some ibuprofen.

Picture borrowed from Choosing Joy Photography.

I've been in my current way of eating since the beginning of June & I'm seeing noticeable changes in myself, but I haven't been exercising like I need to. And by need to, I mean mentally. There's a certain amount of exercise that I can do to calm the anxiety beast  that exists inside me. It helps me. What? Hello. Is this the answer to calming my anxiety? Of course it is. So why haven't I been doing it?

Jesus take the wheel.

I'm really skilled at standing in my own way. I used drugs for 15 years of my life because I was perfecting my "standing in my own way" skills. I've totally got that badge in platinum. Now's definitely the time to implement exercise so, let's see if I'm consistent. My Yoga practice is reasonably consistent. Nah, I guess it's not enough either. I need an hour a day everyday.

I carve out time for Bible study. Why can't I carve out time for fitness? Oh, but I can. Guess what? The gym is moving to a new location. And guess what else? There will be child care!!! Praise the Lord.

Sometimes I have an idea of where these posts will head and sometimes I just sit down and write. As I'm finishing up this post, it's 6:42 am and Casting Crowns came on Pandora - Praise You in this Storm comes on & I know He's listening. I know He hears me. I know my prayers are being heard. He knows the strength that I need to continue to serve Him with everything that I am. He knows that I struggle with being snarky,hateful, mean & that my family gets the worst of me sometimes & I always need prayer for that.

He knows that I be kind & He knows that I can be just as impossible as I can be kind. He knows everything about us. He knows my name.

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. - Luke 12:7 (KJV)

Keep Going (To Be Heard)

As I wait for my coffee to brew, I'll start this post. I've got so many plates in the air, I'm not quite sure how I manage somedays. Other days, I feel as if I don't do enough.

I'm still poor at time management. I feel like I need a workshop of some sort to show me, step-by-step, where to start because it all seems so overwhelming from the sidelines. Have you ever had that problem? Unsure of where to start, so you just don't?

I did tackle one of those things that I've been 'meaning to' do. At least my 'meaning to' list is getting shorter. I moved my membership to a local church. It was past time. My church has been closed for years and I've been dragging my feet. I'm trying to let my faith be bigger than my fear. I fail, but I continue to try.  Honestly, that's most days. Sometimes I flourish, sometimes I fail. I can't expect perfection. I can strive for greatness always.

I am excited about my move. Honestly, I have had no desire really to move my membership until helping with Vacation Bible School & I just felt it. I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to take a leap of faith & move; so I did. I'm pleased with my move.

Thursday of this week is Open House at NPS & NES. Yes, two schools this year. Wow, the years are moving by quickly. The expression that the days move slow & the years quickly is the absolute truth. I am so overwhelmed and ready to start back to school. No, that's probably not what people 'want to hear' from a stay-at-home-mom, but I'm okay with that, and I'm okay with me.  You be okay with you because I've got me.

I'm looking forward to being kid-free (all of them) from 8-2 for two days a week. Maybe that doesn't sound like a whole lot of time, but I can regroup a bit during that time. I can be Alisha. I can do what I want to do & not have to pick up after anyone. Sure sounds selfish, doesn't it? It's not. There's nothing wrong with aiming to be mentally fit to parent & that's what I consider from free time. It's like a spa for my brain. Yeah, it's late & I'm rambling.

I'm thinking I need to make myself a schedule & NOT break it. That would help with my time management. Maybe I'm on to something. I've been trying to leave the house earlier to be on time to things. I'm doing better. Okay, not always, but better than I was.

It's funny, I started composing this today sometime, while I was brewing a cup of coffee & I'm finishing it, brewing a cup of coffee. I'm so predictable. I didn't even use to drink coffee. Funny. I finally got the baby to sleep. After two long rides around the farm, I laid her in her crib & she went down. I'm serious, some days seem completely impossible but the simple fact is this: they're  great. I can't ask for anything more. Any one day saved beats all the days I was lost.

As I went for my follow up today at the dentist, it started pouring down rain. I pulled over on the side of the road and took this picture.

Right now, if you're experiencing something, keep going; there will be a break in the clouds. That's all I could think when I saw this. It made me think of the post partum depression that I've made it through (PRAISE THE LORD) for the second time & I am so grateful that I kept going. God is in control. If He leads us to it, He'll lead us through it. 

KEEP GOING!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Why Us? (To Be Heard)

I have been insanely busy with this whole thing called life. Parenthood can be rough sometimes, summer sends a shock wave into my neatly written out schedule every year it comes; nevertheless, I adjust. 

The kids and I have been going on adventures every week to get us out of the house and into nature. I have taken some rather beautiful  photos of our adventures & we have experienced some wonderful times. 

We just got back from vacation last week to walk into our home, that I was so ready to be back to, and found out our home had been broken into. To say that this was a violation doesn't even cover how I've been feeling. 

I've gone from completely losing my composure, to not feeling safe in my own home, to being angry & asking, "why, us?" to knowing that God's got us covered. 

My husband told me it happened to us because we're people, too. Which is the obvious answer but it's the truth. We're not exempt. I guess I've just been overwhelmed by it all because when it hits your home, you realize how bad things really are. 

At any rate, I'm slowly getting back to feeling okay again. We're having a security system installed in a few days, I've almost decided on the gun I'll be purchasing for protection, if such a thing ever happens again and I pray that it doesn't, but I will be prepared for next time. 

I'm praying for those who did it. I know there's good in every person but when they're breaking into my home to steal things that we've earned by an honest living, it's hard for me to see the good. It just makes me want to pinch their little heads off.  

I'm praying for me too. I've been having a hard time with this whole situation. I've worried for many years that something like this would happen & then once I stopped worrying about it, it did. 

I know God's got a plan for this storm. I feel it my bones. To someone who doesn't serve the Lord,. I'm sure I sound like some religious fanatic. That's okay. That happens a lot.

There is something the Lord's got in store for me from this situation. I've known He's got something for me for a while now, but He just hasn't made it known to me yet. This just furthers my suspicion.  

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28 (KJV)

He Knows Me (To Be Heard)

There's always a season in life that seems impossible. I had this silly notion that Christianity came with rainbows, moonbeams & skipping through a field of daisies always. You've probably heard me talk about that before. I tend to repeat myself. Repetition is a good way to learn. Wait, what? You mean learning is the whole objective? Maybe one day I'll get it. 

These days I'm learning to have a little talk with Jesus first before running anywhere else. I'm pushing myself to "start with Him". I know that seems like the obvious answer but life can tend to get in the way, if I let it & I don't want to let it. My flesh is impossible some days; okay, most days. 

I repeatedly step out in faith & let Him take care of things. No, I haven't got "there" yet & by "there" I mean, when I give it all to Him, I DON'T take it back, I let Him keep it. Nope, not there yet, but that's the goal. 

I want to walk in victory while I'm here in this Earthly body. I want to curb this flesh from things my sin nature tells me are okay. I'm not the person I use to be. 

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 

- 2 Corinthians 5:17

I thought this would be easier. Wait a minute, evidently I didn't because it took me forever to change the way I was living. And it took a life-altering experience for it to happen. I am so grateful for the experience that changed my life. 

My point?

I've been praying for God to see me through this season & others, as well. For two days, He's told me to Be still. Clearly ironic, if you know me. 

He knows me. 

Simplicity (To Be Heard)

As I gather my thoughts & decide where I'm headed today, I can't help but appreciate the simplicity of what my life has become over the last several months; not to mention, the last decade. 

I'm working on balance this year. I've always been a procrastinator & I'm coming to learn how to tame the fear that makes procrastination happen for me. I have always been terrified of success. I'm still scooping out the bad (after almost three years) & forming new, more healthy habits. 

The irony in that (for me) is that the one thing I have been unable to tame is my healthy weight & that is the one thing I was working so well at before I started on this self-discovery journey. WHOAH. That was a realization. It's almost as if I gave up one for another. That has officially been noted. Maybe there will be some progress there now that there's been a realization. 

I like how people are able to fix your problems but can't fix their own. My dear friend once said, "if we could all switch problems...", we'd all be good, or something to that effect. Isn't it funny? Everyone knows how to tend someone else's woes but have a rough time tending their own. 

I have had so many posts but cannot manage to make myself sit down to do it. I start writing & then I change my mind. Outside factors get in the way. I'm afraid I'll step on this one's toes, or that one's toes, when in reality, all I want to do is write & everyone is so dang touchy these days. About everything & anything. Seriously, everything. Why can't things be taken at face value & not have another meaning? Can't I just say what I mean and mean what I say? Nope, not these days. People lie. Straight lie. All the time. 

I mean, I get it, I guess. I spent fifteen years of my life lying to myself, my family. I thought -- let me rephrase that -- I didn't care any further than what I wanted whether it was affecting anyone else. See? There I go judging. No, it's just stating an opinion. I struggle with the reality that there is a line between judgement and opinion, as a Christian. I teeter on that line sometimes though. I'm flawed. Not an excuse, just a fact. 

The harder He works on me, the more stuff I find wrong. Like I said, I started digging almost three years ago & I could have totally bought a backhoe with what it would cost to rent one for three years. Yep, I should have been a comedian. 

I thought it would be easier. Okay, no I didn't. I didn't think living right would be easier, or I would've done it sooner. And by living right, I mean what's best for me. No drugs, no alcohol, & serving the Lord the best I can every day for the rest of my life. 

I fail miserably. I dust off. I try again. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is in control of my life. He is what keeps me going on those days that I can't seem to do anything right. When I feel like a complete failure as a mother, a wife, a human being. He knows everything about it & loves me because He knows who I am. He knows who I'm striving to be. He knows what I'm capable of. 

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. - Romans 8:18

Because He Loves Me (To Be Heard)

When you envision your life, is it what you're living? Are you doing the things you thought you would?

Several days ago I started this painting. I express myself through art. I was in the feels. Emotions can be painful sometimes. You know when you hear a song & it takes you a to a place where you use to be? Or when you hear a song and it takes you to where you are? Are you ultimately happy where you are?

I've been going on and on about balance this year.  I made it my goal to balance myself, my life, my responsibilities. I can't say that somewhere along the way my balance shifted because honestly, I've never experienced balance in my life. I've always, for as far back as I can remember, been unbalanced.

I'm experiencing a whole new life. A life reformed. A life without drugs. Without alcohol. A life with boundaries. YES! Boundaries. No, boundaries are HUGE deal. Maybe you're normal & you've always had them in your life. I've not & I'm learning that's okay because I get to learn now.

I am who God makes me on the daily. Not everyone will love me, but He does, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 
- Matthew 22:37 (NIV)

Awakening (To Be Heard)

Four-something o'clock this morning my beautiful eight month old little lady woke me up. She was hungry. It was time for food. As I made my way to the kitchen, she's almost sang herself back to sleep. 

I picked her up, snuggled her close, we rocked, and she drank until the milk was gone. Back to bed she went. 

Over the last six months, give or take, my anxiety has been off-the-chain high. The older I get, the more I have found myself battling mental illness.

There, I said it, I struggle with mental illness.

I've never actually said that actual statement before; outloud anyway. No one wants to associate themselves as being mentally ill, do they? I mean, I have never wanted to. 

With growing older, less of the things that use to matter, actually matter anymore. I aim more towards personal growth in Christ, than measurement of worldly successes. Not everyone would agree that best for them, but we're not all the same, are we?

Last Saturday, the Lord spoke to me. He's trying to grow me. He's trying to show me. 

His conviction lays heavy on my heart. He wants all of me. Not just what I am willing to give. Everything. He wants to saturate every area of my life.

As I laid Laurel back down for bed, my usual is to get "10 more minutes" before I've got to get up. This morning, it just so happened, God didn't want me to sleep in.

I put Awaken Essential Oil on my wrists & settled in for some eye-opening Yoga. As I practiced, my goal was to release, relax, and be present in the moment. 

Today, my aim is to be present. 

For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. - 1 John 5:4

Sunday Feels (10 Years CLEAN!)

Man, I feel good today. 

Don't you just love it when you can say that? Some days, moments, months, heck, even years can feel impossible. Yes, I said years. 

The first year I was clean, I didn't think that I would make it through it. I was so overwhelmed with life. I got clean when I found out I was six weeks pregnant. Blah, blah, blah. You've probably already heard my story. I feel like such a broken record sometimes. I feel like people get tired of hearing it & start nodding off mid-sentence. Oh good grief, here she goes again. Ewww. 

Let's fast forward a piece. I would make a fast forward sound but I don't know how to spell it. 

Oh look, SHINY!  

I cannot stop it. My husband asks me, "do you even try?" Nope,  I gave up trying to change me. At least the things that I love. I love the spastic part about me. I like to call it spontaneity. Yes, we'll go with spontaneity. 

Geez, I get sidetracked. I sat here for an hour looking through old burnt discs for a photo of me before, when I was in my addiction. There is this specific photo that I'm looking for & I think I inadvertently deleted it & have no copies of it. 

Here's the funny part. There's always a funny part. I was smiling so big in that picture. You would think I was so happy. Sure, in that very moment, I was. The black under my eyes was awful. I don't know how long I had been awake & there is no way I could tell you how long it had been since I'd eaten. 

I was extremely unhealthy. I was smoking, eating, drinking, snorting, breathing meth. How could I not be unhealthy? I was unhealthy, insecure, mean, vindictive, and spiteful. I was a liar. I lied to myself, my family. I was thin. That's was an important factor to me, to be thin. Sad, isn't it? Straight truth, nothing but. It didn't matter that I was slowly killing myself, sometimes quicker; just depended on how much money I had to blow. No pun intended. Harharhar. At least I can joke about it now. 

I wasn't always able to joke about it. When I first got clean, I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and a number of other adjectives. 

I felt like everyone was judging me. Living in a small town is hard sometimes. Everybody knows everybody and not everybody's kind, Christian or not. People love to see people fail and when you know everybody it's hard to escape the judgement. No, I'm not that naive to think it doesn't happen everywhere, I know that it does. This is just my story; no one else's.

I was pregnant. I was going to be a mother. Oh my gosh, I was terrified to be a mother. What if I turned out like my mother; absent? That's all the room she gets in this post because this isn't about her. She gets no glory for me being clean for a decade. Zero.

Only God gets the glory for His. He and He alone, set me free!  

If I tried to say that getting clean was as easy as reading some inspirational quote that motivates you to make it happen, I'd be lying. That's a complete load of garbage. Getting clean isn't easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Nobody would use drugs. We'd all be skipping through a field of daisies, happily, hand-in-hand. 

I think I took that a bit far. That's me, the envelope pusher. At least it's not dope pusher. 

Don't get me wrong, everybody's journey is different, but there's likely to be some speed bumps; no pun intended.  I'm pretty punny today.

Alright so, I figured I'd go with some things that I've learned over the past ten years and maybe I won't get too off-topic. Oh, that was funny. I'm very likely to get off-topic. It's in my nature.

When I first got clean, I was so scared I'd lose all my friends. I did. All of them. I don't hang out with any of those people anymore. The expression, "all you have to do is change everything," was spot on for me. 

Here's what I learned:

1. Those people weren't my friends to begin with. They just needed someone to do dope with & share my dope with them. Yup. Go on and marinate on that for a minute. BOOYAH. 

2. Some folks gonna forget where they came from. That's okay, let them. The only way out is through. Sometimes it takes a lot more time to get through when you don't want to face things. They are not your responsibility; YOU ARE. It took me a minute to learn that one. 

3. "People will be people," are the words of my handsome husband, Andy. I use to want to cut him when he said that. Bleck. Just plan 'ole poke his eyeballs out for being so evolved. Yuck. Perfect people get on my nerves. Here's the truth bomb: HE'S RIGHT. They will. So what. Let them be. 

4. People pleasing is the pits. Stop it as quick as you can. It's not a good thing. It's a flaw. I'm still learning this one. 

5. You have to set boundaries & STICK WITH THEM. Not everyone will like the clean you & that's okay. They don't have to. I found out I like myself so much more when I'm not around people who project their insecurities & hatred for self onto me. 

Don't feel guilty about that. Some people just aren't your people. When you use, you tend to mix and match with all kinds of folks because you've got drugs in common. When you no longer have drugs in common, you find out who your friends are. QUICK. 

Okay, so there's five things. Those, of course, are not the only five but I'll have to stop now because this has taken me the course of a day to get this written & if I don't post soon, I won't get it finished. I'm a super starter, but finisher? I'm still working on that.

I'm working on me. Well, He's working in me much more than what I'm doing, just as long as I let Him. 

Seriously people. Choose Him. He will  see you through. Let Him.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Thanks---For the Memories (To Be Heard)

The things we think can be funny sometimes. 

My Gramma gave me this ornament years ago. I think when Owen was a baby. At first I thought, 'gosh this thing is big with its chunky velour box. I really don't want it, but I'll take it anyway.'

No, I didn't say any of this to her because honestly, it's absolutely awful even to think it, but I did. 

She always gave me stuff when I came to visit; always. Sometimes, just because she only had a bit of room in her one bedroom apartment & needed to free up some space. Sometimes she picked it up on the bench in lobby that people shared stuff on because she thought of me. Sometimes she needed me to put it in her shed. 

They say it gets easier but sometimes it just doesn't. I mean sure, time passes and all that jazz, but the impression that someone leaves in your life after they're gone can only be filled with Jesus. 

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. - ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I'm Not Waiting Another Minute [To Let it Go]

As I sit here rocking this beautiful baby of mine, I'm reminded of what I have to be grateful for. 

Most of the time, she won't go to sleep unless I'm holding her or rocking her & for those of you reading this, I get tired of you saying she's spoiled. 

She's cherished. She is loved. She is adored. I don't remember being "spoiled" at all as a child & I want my babies to know & remember that they are cherished, loved, and adored. If that is what you see spoiled as, then yes, that's what all of my children are. So you can stand down because I won't stop loving or showing them love because you don't agree with the way I do.

Thank the Lord this PPD is easing off a bit. It still comes in waves & I get manic & have major anxiety here and there at the most in opportune times , but at least it's not as overwhelming as it once was. Life is a process. I'm just trying to work through it the best way I know how. 

I am grateful for this life. No, I don't have all the answers but I'm working side-by-side with the Lord on the answers that work best for our family. 

I am grateful that God sees fit for me to work with young ladies in recovery from drugs & alcohol. I would have never thought I would be doing anything of the such, but here I am letting God lead me. 

Yesterday in Church, He spoke a Word to me. I absolutely love that expression because it means I'm listening. I don't always listen. I hear Him, but I don't always listen. He's been speaking to me regarding an issue for what seems like an eternity & yesterday, it registered: "Let it Go". 

Can that be anymore clear? I was invited to Homecoming at a local church in my area that I have "ties" so-to-speak with & the  guest speaker was on point. God spoke right directly to me through this man. I didn't stick around to gab. I threw my hand up and out the door I went. I had to get home & feed the baby. 

He spoke to me & said, let these things go that you're holding on to. It's time. No, I'm not delusional, people. If you're Christian, God speaks & you either obey or ignore; you decide. Conviction tends to convince you eventually if you want to hee-haw around like I've been doing.

I've been overwhelmed by one big thing. I don't have a church home. Please don't get me wrong, I feel welcome everywhere I go, but I have not yet found the place where I want to move my letter. I feel sure that I will know. The reason I feel sure is because I was absolutely certain when I joined my former church on April 17th, 2011. I knew exactly where I wanted to be. For reasons beyond my control, the church is no longer & yesterday, I let it go. 

PRAISE & GLORY BE TO GOD, y'all. 

It has consumed me with angst for almost three years, when we decided we would no longer have Sunday service. I felt like the Israelites wandering around out in the wilderness. 

Not anymore. I'm free. I'm free to visit wherever my heart leads me. I'm free to see where God needs me. Since I chose Him, He has set me free repeatedly. 

"The Lord has been so good to me, 

He set my captive spirit free,

Old things are passed away,

Ever since that blessed day."

-I'm in a New World (hymn)

I wanted to head in an altogether different direction with this post but the Lord apparently had this direction. 

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up. --- James 4:10

Brain Dump

Nine weeks left & nesting has arrived. For the last three days, I have been bouncing from project to project, tying up loose ends. Just saying "loose ends" makes me laugh. I've got basically nothing done that needs to be done to prepare for this little Miss so, we're more along the lines of "starting from the beginning". 

That's me: last minute Alisha. 

I suppose nine weeks is a little more time than last minute, but if you think about it terms of I had 40 weeks, well....

I'm tired, which is normal for me but it seems like with this little Miss, I'm much more tired; which could be one of two things: I'm older & I weigh more. Bleck. You can't win'em all. The morning sickness isn't as bad anymore so, yay! Winner, winner, chicken dinner! 

I had a ton of ideas to write about and none of them are coming to mind right now. Nope, not a one. 

Lots has been going on. The Lord has blessed my little home business. I'm super excited about that. It challenges me to create more. The boys are both playing baseball this spring, which is exciting to see them have  a good time practicing for upcoming opening day. 

We're making some home improvements, slowly but surely. 
My oldest was out sick from school a few weeks ago & he turned on the show Flip or Flop  & it made me want to start ripping out walls. How great is that show? We've got a few small things to get done & we've got a few large things that need done, as well. No big rush, really. I'm sure Andy would prefer later, rather than sooner. I would like to tackle a few of the smaller projects before little Miss gets here but it's a whole lot less work for me and a whole lot more work for him, at this point in the pregnancy. We'll do what we can do and the rest will wait. He tackled replacing some damaged area in our kitchen floor over the weekend & I get to choose what floor covering goes back! So, I get my little design time.

We've basically skipped Winter & Spring here in Southeast Georgia, and darted right toward Summer. Yay. Do you hear the enthusiasm? If you ever think Climate Change is wrong, well, I beg to differ. It was ninety-one degrees at one point yesterday & it's April. Yep, I'm already getting the pool ready & that usually doesn't happen until May. 

I'm beginning to think that I am writing just to unload my brain so there's room for more. I'm rambling on and on. Who am I kidding? That's what I always do. It just seems to happen more frequently for me during pregnancy. It's funny, they have a laundry list of questions to ask at the doctor, but they never ask, "do you feel more and more nuts as the days pass?" If you've been there, you know. If you haven't, move along, there's nothing to see, hear, or read here. 

I've been making silly, hormonal videos. I don't know why really. It's basically just another brain dump. It helps. Admission is the first step to recovery, right? Well, maybe it's the first step back toward sanity, too. We'll see.

Oh look, shiny!

You know what else I have discovered? OILS! I was up until one a.m. this morning reading my Essential Oil Pocket Reference, which is super cool! All I can think of is all the help I can give my family! 

That's pretty much all I've got for now, except for the fact that I'm in the middle of this great study: All Things New study. I haven't actually made it to class yet, but I'm doing the study from home and it is phenomenal! I'll leave you with these scriptures:

16 Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. 17 For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. 18 So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 (HCSB)

Too Blessed to be Stressed!

Trust Jesus (To Be Heard)

God always sends us what/who we need, when we need it/them. I had a friend stop by today that I rarely get to see in person. She had some goodies she thought I'd be interested in & had time to drop them by. Who's gonna turn down fabric? Not this girl. 

She & I got to talking & considering adult interaction usually isn't a huge part of my day, I'm super excited to be having a real live conversation with an adult, that I'm friends with & I don't have to drag a real smile out of or make talk to me!! It's like she was speaking from my life, but it wasn't my life, it was hers. 

I am super overwhelmed lately. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones or maybe I should get out more, that I don't know. What I do know is, while she & I were talking to one another, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am not alone in experiencing trials & tribulations through motherhood. 

We talked for I don't know how long about a little project God has me working on, how He's working in my life,  how He showed me to pray for those that don't wish me well, about something that happened many years ago that I was able to show forgiveness for because God is steadfast & truly first in my life & without Him, I am/would be absolutely nothing. 

Did I mention I don't get a whole lot of adult conversation? 

When people cross your path, there's a reason. It's all in God's plan, I just roll with it. Maybe I'm not where I'd like to be, but I'm certainly not where I use to be. Maybe I'm not perfect at parenting, but I will not give up on my babies. 

I am doing a great work, I will not come down. - Nehemiah 6:3