I've been a little lethargic this morning, which is very unlike me. I woke up with the intention of bringing my own sunshine & just wasn't feeling it. I wasn't in a bad mood or anything, I just wasn't me. All that being said, I got up, got ready & went to Sunday school. Fortunately, I was prepared. I'd studied our lesson & I was good to go in that area; however, I wasn't bringing the amount of enthusiasm I ordinarily do. Sunday school was good. The lesson was on Esau & Jacob & forgiveness.
Of course, this entry is taking a different turn, as everything usually does with me. I have learned to forgive. I have also learned that in some instances of relationships & forgiveness, we have to let people go. Sometimes, holding onto a relationship that is unhealthy isn't such a good idea. The lesson was a good one this morning & I no longer question myself on the decision that I made to let a relationship go. In fact, I didn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter, considering the said relationship was nonexistent on the other end.
I've spent my entire life (up until recently) thinking that there was something that I did. That something that was wrong with me to make this person always choose someone else over me. There's not. It's not my fault & I am not permanently damaged over the lack of effort that this individual put forth.
Now, onto the reason why this post was originally intended...
After Sunday morning message, the song of Invitation was:
I Have Decided to Follow Jesus.
In this beautiful song, the lyrics read:
- I have decided to follow Jesus;I have decided to follow Jesus;I have decided to follow Jesus;No turning back, no turning back.
- Though I may wonder, I still will follow;Though I may wonder, I still will follow;Though I may wonder, I still will follow;No turning back, no turning back.
- The world behind me, the cross before me;The world behind me, the cross before me;The world behind me, the cross before me;No turning back, no turning back.
- Though none go with me, still I will follow;Though none go with me, still I will follow;Though none go with me, still I will follow;No turning back, no turning back.
- Will you decide now to follow Jesus?Will you decide now to follow Jesus?Will you decide now to follow Jesus?No turning back, no turning back.
I couldn't hold back the tears. I tried. I really did. I tried to wink them back, much like I did when I first come to know the Lord going on six years ago; so no one would see. No one would think whatever they would think. That I had done something wrong & "turned back" & was feeling the guilt that comes along with wrong.
The Holy Spirit grabbed me and the tears just come from the grateful I can never express. The grateful that He Set Me Free!! He saved me. The me that come from a broken home & never knew what being Saved meant until I made the choice to know. The me that spent half of my life getting high , repressing the emotions that came along with the reasons why I started getting high in the first place.
Though none go with me, still I will follow.
In the beginning, it was hard for me to accept that this was a choice that I had to make alone. I couldn't bring anyone along. They had to come on their own. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. Often, we think we can do things for people to help them. Not this thing. We can encourage but we can't do this for them. This is something that one has to make the choice on their own Free Will & that's exactly how Christ would have it.
He's there when we decide. For this girl, there's no turning back.
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