The Proverbial Wagon (To Be Heard)

I did it. I finally went back to the gym. I haven't been since the end of June & that was once in weeks & weeks before that. This is uncharacteristic for me. I started working out regularly (5-7 days a week) again, in October of 2013 when my Miniest was 7 months old. I incorporated healthier choices with food, which I'd never really done consistently. I lost 36 pounds (66 or 67 total) & felt awesome. And then it happened....what ALWAYS happens:

I start struggling.

Ordinarily, I don't struggle with working out, I struggle with food. This time, however, things have been different. I started gaining back the weight, pound by pound. I did the Ultimate Reset and it completely changed my way of viewing everything. You can read about that experience here. Here's the sad part, I didn't "bring it" like the post said. I did my run and it wasn't my personal best, but I completed it & I'm glad I did. 

I'm also still glad I did the reset. Mentally, it put me in a place to realize that bouncing from program to program is not healthy for me. I have an eating disorder. There, I said it. No, I'm not making the type bold. Heck, maybe no one will actually read this. I just need to "publically" say it. I'm not ready to shout it from the rooftops, but eventually, I will; because, that's who I am. 

I don't want to live my life in fear. 

What exactly do I mean? I mean, the fear that someone may notice my weight gain & judge me without knowing what I'm going through. The fear that someone will be at the gym when I get there. The fear that I won't ever make my goal weight. The fear that I will have to buy a size up in clothes (this just happened). The fear that I will gain weight and dog myself out more than anyone could ever do. 

The fear that people will look straight at my weight gain when they see me. Yes, women are the WORST about this. As a matter of fact, I know several that do this. Why? Because of their own insecurities (I assume) and if they can "size me up" and make themselves look better, then it makes them feel better. 

At the end of June, I joined a support group. I'm working the 12 steps. Most days (recently), I fail miserably. I finally made it through step four & I thought I would lose it before I got through it. I actually had to take a week off from it. Taking a personal inventory is brutal. I don't care how much you think that you have "it" together. I'm talking, issues from childhood that I never wanted to talk about. But that's the point really, to get those issues out in the open so I (you) can move forward. 

This is hard for me: to type, to say, to put myself out there. Having an eating disorder is overwhelming, to say the very least. It consumes my life. However, I know that God is in control & that in His time, I will conquer this mountain. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

--- Philippians 4: 13