Monday, December 9, 2013

She is with me.

I caught myself at the store the other day, searching for the hard candy that Gramma used to buy all the time. I don't even like it. Rarely did I ever have any when she was alive. Why do I now want it when she's dead?

It's funny how we grieve. I'm not sure I've even grieved for her. I understand that she is no longer at the doctor's office every other day trying to figure out what's wrong. Not just one doctor, many doctors. Not just one time, in fact, I couldn't tell you how many doctor appointments that she had over the last several years. I'm not sure about triple digits, but I'm positive about double digits. 

This doll was Gramma's favorite. To me, it's creepy. I do not like it in the slightest; I never have. Where is it now? On my mantle beside my first angel I bought in 1997. The angel was the topper on my very first Christmas tree.

I looked at the doll over and over in the box and even thought about it being in the box before I decided that I wouldn't give it to Goodwill (Gramma's favorite store), I would display it. No idea. Well, I have an idea. God. Sometimes He tells us to do things we don't want to do. I think He wants me to grieve for her. I don't really know how to. 

I talk to her. As nuts as it seemed to me that she talked to Tolly every time her clock chimed, I probably seem just as nuts for talking to her randomly throughout each day. She's everywhere in our home.

She gave me this ornament years ago. It came in its own little special box. I remember thinking, I don't need any more junk, but I didn't say it. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She loved to give me things. 

I'm glad I didn't say it. As a matter if fact, I'm glad I didn't say a lot of things. Gramma and I disagreed a lot on parenting tactics. A difference in four decades, raising & lifestyle, I suppose.

I made this shadow box for her. The shells inside are ones we collected together. I just recently hung it on my wall. It took me several months to even walk out to the shed. We donated her clothes to an abused women's shelter. They sat in the shed for months before I had the nerve to go through them. 

I'm grateful for all the events that led to me moving to Georgia & moving in with Gramma. I was an awful mess then & for a very long time after but, it got me to where I am now. She saw that. She was there for the birth of both of my babies & my wedding. She didn't think I would ever get married. If I had to guess, she probably thought I'd be a mess forever.

Then I started on my walk with Christ. It took Him about eight months to clean me up to 'mint' condition. I grow daily with Him and she knew that. She was here to see me succeed. Succeed in my walk with Christ.

It's not the holiday so much, that makes me miss her. I miss her every time I need an answer to a question. I reach to call her frequently. I bought her a Christmas card the other day. Yes, I am fully aware that her body is gone. 

She is everywhere. I'd like to believe that she's here with me half the time & the other half, she's with George. He took care of her when I was unable. I have those memories. I have no regrets. I wouldn't bring her back if I could, because she felt so bad all of the time. That doesn't make me miss her any less.

This Snowman Tree was made for Gramma by a sweet friend she met when she lived across the bridge from Topsail Island, NC. It's my prized possession. I will cherish it forever. I always told her that I wanted it. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me. -- Philippians 4:13

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