I'm Not Waiting Another Minute [To Let it Go]

As I sit here rocking this beautiful baby of mine, I'm reminded of what I have to be grateful for. 

Most of the time, she won't go to sleep unless I'm holding her or rocking her & for those of you reading this, I get tired of you saying she's spoiled. 

She's cherished. She is loved. She is adored. I don't remember being "spoiled" at all as a child & I want my babies to know & remember that they are cherished, loved, and adored. If that is what you see spoiled as, then yes, that's what all of my children are. So you can stand down because I won't stop loving or showing them love because you don't agree with the way I do.

Thank the Lord this PPD is easing off a bit. It still comes in waves & I get manic & have major anxiety here and there at the most in opportune times , but at least it's not as overwhelming as it once was. Life is a process. I'm just trying to work through it the best way I know how. 

I am grateful for this life. No, I don't have all the answers but I'm working side-by-side with the Lord on the answers that work best for our family. 

I am grateful that God sees fit for me to work with young ladies in recovery from drugs & alcohol. I would have never thought I would be doing anything of the such, but here I am letting God lead me. 

Yesterday in Church, He spoke a Word to me. I absolutely love that expression because it means I'm listening. I don't always listen. I hear Him, but I don't always listen. He's been speaking to me regarding an issue for what seems like an eternity & yesterday, it registered: "Let it Go". 

Can that be anymore clear? I was invited to Homecoming at a local church in my area that I have "ties" so-to-speak with & the  guest speaker was on point. God spoke right directly to me through this man. I didn't stick around to gab. I threw my hand up and out the door I went. I had to get home & feed the baby. 

He spoke to me & said, let these things go that you're holding on to. It's time. No, I'm not delusional, people. If you're Christian, God speaks & you either obey or ignore; you decide. Conviction tends to convince you eventually if you want to hee-haw around like I've been doing.

I've been overwhelmed by one big thing. I don't have a church home. Please don't get me wrong, I feel welcome everywhere I go, but I have not yet found the place where I want to move my letter. I feel sure that I will know. The reason I feel sure is because I was absolutely certain when I joined my former church on April 17th, 2011. I knew exactly where I wanted to be. For reasons beyond my control, the church is no longer & yesterday, I let it go. 

PRAISE & GLORY BE TO GOD, y'all. 

It has consumed me with angst for almost three years, when we decided we would no longer have Sunday service. I felt like the Israelites wandering around out in the wilderness. 

Not anymore. I'm free. I'm free to visit wherever my heart leads me. I'm free to see where God needs me. Since I chose Him, He has set me free repeatedly. 

"The Lord has been so good to me, 

He set my captive spirit free,

Old things are passed away,

Ever since that blessed day."

-I'm in a New World (hymn)

I wanted to head in an altogether different direction with this post but the Lord apparently had this direction. 

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up. --- James 4:10

fragments.

Life is chaotic in our home these days. To be honest, life is almost always chaotic at our house; more so with the arrival of Baby Evan.    We are blessed to welcome a 9 lb. 7 oz. little addition to our family as of March 15th, 2013. He is just as handsome as his big brother, Owen. 

I've had no extra (what's extra?) time to blog since before Evan was born. It just so happens, April 2013 marks my third year of blogging. I'll have a cardboard cookie, thank you very much.

After six weeks of sleeping in segments, I'm exhausted & growing accustomed to sleep deprivation. Our home has been a cesspool of filth in the recent weeks & I've finally got it back on track. The floors are sparkling (okay, sparkling is stretching the truth a bit) and the laundry is tamed. 

Evan's bedroom is finished, minus a few small details & Spring Cleaning is going full blast at our house. And by that, I mean I have been donating bags and bags to Goodwill. Andy called me & Owen hoarders and I'm out to prove him wrong. 

Although there's not a lot of sleep happening at our house, we're all stocked up in love.

My twenty minutes are up. I hear a little voice that needs me. 

M.O.M.

Throughout this pregnancy I have said over and over that I am going to buy a can of Mace and start spraying these people when they ask me if I'm having twins. Sadly, I would probably be locked up for spraying someone. When in reality, they should be locked up for being so rude. I mean, really people? I'm unsure of overall statistics for pregnant women & I can't vouch for everyone, but I know me and pregnancy are rather emotional together, with lots and lots of lovely little mood swings. 

M.O.M. = Mace or Manners PEOPLE!!!!!!!

At the present, 20 (yep, I said 20) folks have asked me if I'm having twins. The number continues to grow, the bigger I get... 

Today makes 16 days left until the arrival of our enormous sugar lump. I'm anxious to see what he weighs and to see if he looks like his big brother, Owen. Wouldn't it be funny if he only weighed six pounds? NO, it would not be. Sure, I've only gained half of what I gained with Owen, but it still wouldn't be funny. 

I look forward to getting back into my daily exercise routine. I miss it. You're probably thinking, why did you stop exercising? Well, it was a choice between exercise and breathing like I should be. I chose the latter of the two. It just made more sense to me. 

We're last minute this go 'round. His room isn't finished, but it is in the works. It's looking wonderful & I'm excited to see the outcome. Andy doesn't agree with the color I've chosen for the walls, but hey, when do we ever agree on decorating? NEVER. 

As a matter of fact, we can't even agree on a name. We agree that we can never agree though. That's a start, right? The morning we went to have Owen is when his name came about. 

It won't be long now...

The Reality Is...

It's been months since I've posted. I've had lots of posts, none of which, were written down. They remained in the vault that I call my mind. Most of the time, I can't remember the combination and there are things that never escape. 

For those readers that do not know, my husband and I decided to have another child. There was no "baby fever", we just decided we weren't getting any younger, so if we were to have another child, there's no time like the present. After experiencing 10 solid weeks of nausea from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep, I am 100% positive this little bundle of joy will be our last. 

Our first born has decided to make this age the most exciting I've experienced yet (as a mother). He started the terrible two's at 1 1/2 years old and we have rolled on into the troublesome four's since then. YIPPEE. Our days are filled with mood swings, fits & attitude. No naps to break the cycle. I can't remember the last time Owen took a nap. He does however, spend time in his room "taking a rest". I recently incorporated this to keep the small shred of sanity that I have left. To be honest, that small shred is stretched as far as it can go. I sometimes wonder how much longer it will be before the wagon shows up and carts me away in a straight jacket. 

All that aside, there's lots of good, exciting things happening, as well. Owen loves to farm with Pa and take care of his cows. I snap pictures and grab video clips when I can. He'll be grown and out of the house before I know it  and I'll be sitting back, wondering where all the years went. As a matter of fact, where did this year go? I don't know, but it's practically gone. 

In 2013, we will welcome another bundle of joy and be sending Owen off to preschool. I can see me now, crying outside the classroom door. See how easy it is to forget about all the insanity of motherhood? At least until something comes flying at me and whacks me in the side of the head and I have to explain one more time how completely inappropriate it is to throw things at people...

P.S. I'm not looking forward to parent-teacher conferences...