Mean Girls, Snarky Comebacks & Weakness (To Be Heard)

I woke up at 3 am this morning. I went to the gym. I've been tapering off my anxiety medication & I'm almost done with it. It's been a process, much like everything else in my life. My Gramma spent a great deal of her life taking medication for mental illness & I don't want that to be me. It very well could be, if I let it.

I've had some impossible days lately. As a matter of fact, I get where I can't breathe. I mean that figuratively, not literally. I have a lot of irons in the fire. The fact that I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to word this without adding any new ridicule & judgement to my list is what's the worst.

Look---Shark Week is almost here & since the last two babies, it's not one week, it's two weeks out of a month where I'd rather cut certain people than talk to them; or even think about them for that matter. And by certain, I mean three specific people. But here's the thing, I NEVER see them.

They've added me on Facebook, but they don't follow me. You know what I'm talking about. The mean girls that are entitled and present themselves as something completely different than what they really are. Ugh, it gives me a headache.

I'm aware how paranoid this sounds. My Gramma told me a long time ago to trust my gut. She was rarely wrong. If my intuition, my instinct leads me in a certain way, it's likely to be true. Sometimes it's not, but usually...

I want nothing more than to call them out & be absolutely hateful about it, but what good is that doing? None. The old me comes out sometimes, along with her snarky comebacks & 3rd person references.

Don't get it twisted. I'm not trying to be cryptic but if I actually, physically called these three heifers out, they would deny, deny, deny 'til the day they die, die, die. My friend Joanie said that to me years ago & it stuck with me. I love her so much. At this point is where I'm thinking that I should probably delete this because somebody will think that this is about them because they're paranoid about what they may or may not have done to someone. Blah. If you're thinking it's about you, ask me. I'll tell you. It's very doubtful that it is though.

Oh look, squirrel!

I have to get all of this out of my head because it's hindering me. How, you ask? Or not, but I'll tell you anyway. If you're still here reading this, you already know to settle in.

Yesterday Evan and I went to his best friend's birthday party! YAY! He loves to play & I absolutely love for him to be happy. Win, win! I totally feel comfortable there because they're awesome Christian people who don't present anything other than what they are & I LOVE THAT! Honestly, these people are totally my people. I say that because I love real & I love kind & they are all that!

There was a really cool slide there & the steps were super steep. I came prepared to get wet but was reluctant. As I sat there crocheting (off to myself for a while), watching and listening to the fun being had by all, I wanted so bad to climb that slide & see how much fun it was!!

The voice in my head was like,  'no Alisha,'. And then I started talking to some ladies & that voice presented itself out of my mouth. Who was that? That's not me at all. I'm confident in my abilities. Well, usually. Who was that girl saying that I couldn't? Like, where did she come from? I don't know her. I couldn't believe I was saying those things. Out of my shoes I came, up that ladder I went & down I came. No, it wasn't hard like I made it out to be. Now, if I did it all afternoon, I'm sure I'd be in need of some ibuprofen.

Picture borrowed from Choosing Joy Photography.

I've been in my current way of eating since the beginning of June & I'm seeing noticeable changes in myself, but I haven't been exercising like I need to. And by need to, I mean mentally. There's a certain amount of exercise that I can do to calm the anxiety beast  that exists inside me. It helps me. What? Hello. Is this the answer to calming my anxiety? Of course it is. So why haven't I been doing it?

Jesus take the wheel.

I'm really skilled at standing in my own way. I used drugs for 15 years of my life because I was perfecting my "standing in my own way" skills. I've totally got that badge in platinum. Now's definitely the time to implement exercise so, let's see if I'm consistent. My Yoga practice is reasonably consistent. Nah, I guess it's not enough either. I need an hour a day everyday.

I carve out time for Bible study. Why can't I carve out time for fitness? Oh, but I can. Guess what? The gym is moving to a new location. And guess what else? There will be child care!!! Praise the Lord.

Sometimes I have an idea of where these posts will head and sometimes I just sit down and write. As I'm finishing up this post, it's 6:42 am and Casting Crowns came on Pandora - Praise You in this Storm comes on & I know He's listening. I know He hears me. I know my prayers are being heard. He knows the strength that I need to continue to serve Him with everything that I am. He knows that I struggle with being snarky,hateful, mean & that my family gets the worst of me sometimes & I always need prayer for that.

He knows that I be kind & He knows that I can be just as impossible as I can be kind. He knows everything about us. He knows my name.

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. - Luke 12:7 (KJV)

Keep Going (To Be Heard)

As I wait for my coffee to brew, I'll start this post. I've got so many plates in the air, I'm not quite sure how I manage somedays. Other days, I feel as if I don't do enough.

I'm still poor at time management. I feel like I need a workshop of some sort to show me, step-by-step, where to start because it all seems so overwhelming from the sidelines. Have you ever had that problem? Unsure of where to start, so you just don't?

I did tackle one of those things that I've been 'meaning to' do. At least my 'meaning to' list is getting shorter. I moved my membership to a local church. It was past time. My church has been closed for years and I've been dragging my feet. I'm trying to let my faith be bigger than my fear. I fail, but I continue to try.  Honestly, that's most days. Sometimes I flourish, sometimes I fail. I can't expect perfection. I can strive for greatness always.

I am excited about my move. Honestly, I have had no desire really to move my membership until helping with Vacation Bible School & I just felt it. I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to take a leap of faith & move; so I did. I'm pleased with my move.

Thursday of this week is Open House at NPS & NES. Yes, two schools this year. Wow, the years are moving by quickly. The expression that the days move slow & the years quickly is the absolute truth. I am so overwhelmed and ready to start back to school. No, that's probably not what people 'want to hear' from a stay-at-home-mom, but I'm okay with that, and I'm okay with me.  You be okay with you because I've got me.

I'm looking forward to being kid-free (all of them) from 8-2 for two days a week. Maybe that doesn't sound like a whole lot of time, but I can regroup a bit during that time. I can be Alisha. I can do what I want to do & not have to pick up after anyone. Sure sounds selfish, doesn't it? It's not. There's nothing wrong with aiming to be mentally fit to parent & that's what I consider from free time. It's like a spa for my brain. Yeah, it's late & I'm rambling.

I'm thinking I need to make myself a schedule & NOT break it. That would help with my time management. Maybe I'm on to something. I've been trying to leave the house earlier to be on time to things. I'm doing better. Okay, not always, but better than I was.

It's funny, I started composing this today sometime, while I was brewing a cup of coffee & I'm finishing it, brewing a cup of coffee. I'm so predictable. I didn't even use to drink coffee. Funny. I finally got the baby to sleep. After two long rides around the farm, I laid her in her crib & she went down. I'm serious, some days seem completely impossible but the simple fact is this: they're  great. I can't ask for anything more. Any one day saved beats all the days I was lost.

As I went for my follow up today at the dentist, it started pouring down rain. I pulled over on the side of the road and took this picture.

Right now, if you're experiencing something, keep going; there will be a break in the clouds. That's all I could think when I saw this. It made me think of the post partum depression that I've made it through (PRAISE THE LORD) for the second time & I am so grateful that I kept going. God is in control. If He leads us to it, He'll lead us through it. 

KEEP GOING!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The Only Way Out is Through (To Be Heard)

I am completely overwhelmed right now. 

I decided to blog "in the moment". As of late, I put off blogging until I talk myself out it & I'm not doing that this time. 

Today is Open House for the new school year & Praise God for it happening. Judge if you need to. Quite frankly, your judgement is the least of my troubles. My kids have me ready to pinch their little heads com-pletely off (in my best Julia Sugarbaker voice). I am beyond ready for them to go to school. The littlest boy starts this year & the oldest is going to third grade.

I am not one of those mothers that  want my children home all year. Nope. To all my homeschooling Mama's, kudos. That will not happen in my home. I value what little sanity I have left. You can have homeschooling. My children will experience public school, just like I did. Sure, they'll learn things I'd like for them not to know but, it's much better than the alternative; the pinching off of heads. I feel like the Queen of Hearts on Alice in Wonderland. I think I've said that before. Yep, I'm sure I have.

What is it with my kids? They become human beings when they're around other people; sometimes. When they're around me, they're complete terrors. I don't know what "it" is, but I know there can't be much left of this said "it". 

Insert break here for the time it took to get chocolate milk for the littlest & tell the boys to take  a nap. It's ONLY 12:45pm. ONLY. I feel like this day has gone on forever. Seriously readers, forever. If you're in the market to reproduce, skip whether you're financially ready & make sure you're mentally capable. I honestly don't think I am most days. 

One more thing, why do people insist on saying something to effect of, "enjoy these moments because they'll be gone soon?" Yes folks, I am completely aware of that. I'm not rushing them to grow up. 

What I want is for them to ease up on the moments that they're completely destroying everything that we own or the moments that they insist on not listening until they do the very thing that I've repeated until I'd be blue in the face for if i were holding my breath. 

My point is, you know as well as I do, you have experienced the same thing I am because your children are not perfect, so please, save that comment & just say a prayer for me. And I'm serious. I'm not joking. I need prayer. Every day. 

 ---- Insert break here for the time I had to go and break up the boys, put them in separate rooms & threaten them with punishment if they didn't quit & nap. --- 

Okay, where was I? Yes, yes, it's a good thing I wasn't holding my breath. 

I guess that pretty much covers what I needed to express. It's impossible to keep this stuff inside. No matter what you're going through, it's important to work through whatever it is that you're dealing with. I know this to be a fact. I'm in long-term drug & alcohol recovery. If you read my nonsense, you already know that. 

And you also know this...

The only way out is through. 

Under My Wing (#16: You Know You're a Mom If...)

You know you're a Mom if you say, "just give me a few minutes of free time," you sit down & this is what your free time looks like.

Since My First Breath (To Be Heard)

I tend to scratch more than just the surface with my blog posts. I remember my very first post & I had a lot to say, I just wasn't ready to voice it. I wasn't brave enough to say what needed to be said but, You Make Me Brave.


The Lord was working in my life before I ever knew what Salvation meant. I didn't know what it meant to be saved. I knew there was more, I just didn't know which way to turn, or what to believe. I never spent much time seeking Him. I spent years (around fifteen of them) repressing emotions that were painful & covering up situations that I'd prefer to erase, by using drugs & alcohol.


Six years ago, I could not physically say that. I honestly didn't know where I stood in this life. Here's why: I had no foundation.


Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.-Luke 6:47-49 (ESV)


I didn't realize how much the Holy Spirit was working in my life, but I knew something was different. I knew there was more. I began actively seeking Him in September of 2010; five months after that first blog post. It's almost been six years since I took my first breath. I tend to have a flare for the dramatic but this, this is The Gospel. Literally. When I started actively seeking Him, it was almost like I was just learning to breathe. Honestly, I don't recall what that felt like but if I had to guess, I'd assume this was it.


His Power is so incredible. It can make me break down out of nowhere, and praise Him for the work He does in my life. So often we don't give God praise like we should. We just want Him to do more & more & more. We get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget who's in control. Amen?


Last week I had some bad days. Not your average bad days; oh no, far worse. These days were like my breath was taken from me, slowly. I turned to scripture every single chance that I got because I know, without Him I am nothing. Without Him, I know where I'd be---doing dope. That's not an option anymore, but I still have to scoop out the bad things that happened to make me turn to drugs in the first place & replace those areas with healthy behaviors. Apparently, it gets worse before it gets better. I can vouch for that.


My oldest son & I have been butting heads over the last several months & last night as I prayed, I completely & willfully gave it all to God. I was at breaking point & I finally realized that I will get nowhere unless I let go & let God handle it. God gave me a new perspective today. I knew it when I woke up this morning & I even woke up a few minutes late so I could've just been Bitter Betty, but I wasn't!! Owen has gotten use to waking up when his Daddy does (30 minutes earlier) and he didn't today. With my new perspective, I was able to handle the meltdown differently. Praise the Lord!!!


Instead of being High-Strung Harriet this afternoon, I had a plan. I stuck to it & my boys and I spent most of the afternoon/evening outside. We played together. He was polite to me & his brother. I praised him for such great manners and his willingness to get his homework done & AR book read without a fight. We really enjoyed this afternoon. I just wanted to take the time to share this & give God praise for what He does best---take care of everything. Praise God!


Can I promise that I'll never be Bitter Betty or High-Strung Harriet again? Nope. I can promise one thing:

I know Who will fix it.

Mr. Marker (#13: You Know You're a Mom If...)

You know you're a Mom if.. you've seen this face before, on separate occasions.

 The one that gets quiet ten minutes before it's time to go, when you're wrapped up in last minutes & haven't even had a second to notice how quiet it really is and wonder why it is what it is.

I love this face & all the mischief it brings along with the sweetness. 

Maniac [Meltdown] Mondays***Disclaimer(s) Provided*** (#4:You Know You're a Mom If...)

***DISCLAIMER: This post will be all over the place ***

Quite a while ago, I posted a blog entry titled: 

Monday [Morning] Meltdowns ***Disclaimer(s) Provided*** (#1: You Know You're a Mom If...). Yes, I had to look at the date because I had no clue when it actually happened. The memory is gone, but that's a whole other can of worms. 

Moving right along, the meltdown was from my then, 5 year old. The meltdown this morning, which wasn't really a meltdown per say; a little snit maybe, but I'll throw it in the mix with a meltdown because it had the potential, was from me.

This morning, we were up to our usual's. I was up at 6am, showered and ready by 6:15am, Bible Study & coffee (Ev was moving around in his crib by this time-6:40ish), wake up Owen, then pancakes for Ev & preparing Owen's morning ritual whilst whipping up the pancakes. All was well in the mother hood this morning. No whining, no crying, no fighting to get ready. It was all cooperation & love, which is rare. Pancakes done, Ev ready, O ready, backpack ready, Ev's bag ready, 7:15am and it's time to leave for school.

We get to the car & I apparently, parked the car a different way and Owen couldn't get in it. I, of course, broke out with my elevated, stern Mom voice & was like, "Owen, just get in the car." He tried. He knew better, but I insisted. WHACK! goes the door on a column underneath the carport. What I'm thinking in my mind (he has absolutely no clue what I'm thinking) is, I spend extra time every time we pull up in this yard putting a sheet over the hood of the car because the dern cat won't stay off the car (it was a rubber snake for about a week & a half, but that stopped working) and here you go and whack the door. 

Immediately, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING????" Poor fella. I apologized on the way too school & told him I was terribly sorry & he knew already what the outcome would be & I didn't see. It was my fault, I shouldn't have raised my voice. 

He's such a good boy & parenting so dern hard sometimes. Where's my dag-gum medal I deserve-DAILY!!! Sure, he's going through several "stages" that I would prefer to be OVER 20 minutes ago, but he is an awesome child. I don't have to be concerned how he's acting at school, he's a model student. He saves all the good stuff for me when he gets home (he actually said that to me in Pre-K); lucky me. I would prefer it be that way, then vice versa.

So, we practice our sight words, have breakfast at school, which is cold in the mornings & I realize that Owen's NEW jacket is missing from his bookbag. Yes, the one that I DID NOT write his name in. Oh yes. So, I drop Ev off at Mo's room for a second, O off at his (I look in his cubby, no dice) & head out for the hunt. To the computer lab-no dice. To the gym-no dice. To the playground-no dice. 

GOOD GRACIOUS!!!!

All I can see are dollar signs because of my thoughtlessness of not putting the name in the jacket. BOOM! Mrs. Becky says, "Here it is!!"

Aside from being a lunatic mom, I am "typical woman" (that phrase reallllllllly irritates me coming from men because they don't have a dern clue what it's like) with hormones & mood swings & emotions, that I with I could turn off sometimes but alas, no dice.

Crisis averted (somewhat), Owen's at school, Evan and I are headed to the grocery store. Got a snub from a girl in the parking lot who always looks unhappy; don't know her, don't want to. I smile & say hello, but that's the extent of our conversations. I refuse to let unhappy people draw the happiness out of me. 

The Piggly Wiggly was a quick trip. In and out. Got a fantastic compliment  as I walked in the door about how I'm losing weight! YESSS, feels good to be me! 

We get back home and Ev, of course, wants to watch Farm Country Ahead. He got this dvd for Owen's birthday from Aunt Joyce and we have watched it I know, 50 times (if not more). Did you know a Mama Milk Cow can produce up to 8 gallons of milk a day? I know lots of other little facts but, I won't ruin the ending for you.

He sits down to watch it, I put away the groceries & sit down at the computer for a quick blog post (this one), hop up to check on him & this is what I find:

You Know You're a Mom if...

you make many mistakes; none of which, are your children. 

 

God IS Listening.

To give you an idea of where I'm at:

Evan doesn't take very many naps. Owen was the same way. He slept 30 minutes yesterday, 30 minutes the day before & he didn't take a nap at all the day before. He wakes up several times a night. He's eight months today & I'm nursing still. Point being: I'm a wee bit tired, but am used to very little sleep by this point. I mean, it's been eight months.

Naps were awesome for a while. I would sleep when the baby sleeps & all that good stuff. That sounds good, right? Sure it does. Who's doing the housework while everyone is asleep? EXACTLY. Piles of clothes turn into mountains of clothes. Ya, ya, ya, you get the point.

When an eight month old baby doesn't sleep, he/she gets cranky. Yep, sure does. When a 34 year old Mommy doesn't get much sleep for eight  months & has zero time for herself, she gets cranky. Eek, now everyone in the house is ill & it's just not good. Nope. Not good at all. Let's just go outside for a walk and get some exercise, ya know? Exercise makes us feel better! I get us both ready and outside we go. 

You guessed it, it's raining. Back in the house we go. Dern it. So, I prayed about it and guess what? 

God IS Listening.

He knew that I needed a minute to regroup. He always knows exactly what we need. He is always listening. He can't be rushed. It doesn't work out in our time, it works out in His time. 

I reflect on moments in my life & things that need adjusting (namely my attitude & how I react to things & people) and I know that HE IS IN CONTROL & when I evenly remotely think that I have control, He sets me straight. 

And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God. (Mark 11:22 KJV)

When 1st Place Matters

My Baby Boys

Friday night I made my weekly excursion to Wal-Mart. As always, it was umm, for lack of a more descriptive word --- fun. It was ridiculousness, as usual. Throughout all the insanity of this adventure, I was drawn to the beauty of relationships. Yes, I was able to pull the positives away & focus on those. I love when my mind focuses on the positives because it doesn't always. 

As Evan & I strolled the aisles, there were couples. I don't mean couples my age (33). I mean "seasoned" couples that have been married thirty plus years and have children my age, or even grandchildren my age. Sure, I am making assumptions in saying that these dear people have been married that long because these days, rarely does a relationship last. 

People give up, people give in and people choose to move on. 

For the sake of my hope for the greater good in all relationships, I'll just assume these people have been married for my life span or longer because it and the folks (very few) that I know that have been married for my lifetime, give me hope that marriage (for longer than a minute) is possible.

I watched interactions as we passed by & compared my marriage to those of which I saw. I know, comparison is the thief of joy (Theodore Roosevelt) for the most part, but in this instance, it wasn't.

I don't know if you've heard of a magazine called homelife or not, but if you haven't, YOU MUST check it out. It's an I-absolutely-cannot-put-this-magazine-down-but-I-have-to kind of magazine. There are several articles in the April issue that I am drawn to. One in particular, caught my eye. The article is titled The Gift & The Giver by Kyle Idleman. 
Sunday morning before Church, I was reading this article. In Sunday School, our lesson was on God's Provision. The sentence that stood out & spoke to me was:

Relationships can heal and be restored when we allow God to change our character.

The article in homelife basically states to put God first. Do not let another relationship occupy the space in our hearts for God. When we do, this is called disordered love (which makes a world of sense).

Disordered love puts unrealistic pressure on that relationship. We set unrealistic expectations, which sets us up for disappointment. In turn, we shell out undeserved criticism & compare our relationships with other people. 

How do the couples at Wal-Mart, the article in homelife & the Sunday School lesson tie together? 

I fully intend on being married to my husband until death do us part. I love him with all my heart, but sometimes I get frustrated with him & want to poke his eyeballs out. Those of you that actually know me, know I don't mean this literally. My point is...

"Choosing to love someone with whom you're frustrated demonstrates that you're relying on Jesus."

We just recently (7 weeks) welcomed our second child, Evan. Owen, our first child has had a hard time adjusting, or so I thought. As I sat in Sunday school listening intently on our lesson, I had an epiphany. I don't think Owen is the one having the hard time adjusting. I think it's me. I have been placing unrealistic pressure on Owen. Sure, he's not used to sharing me or having to wait on me to take care of his baby brother, but I have been a complete "helicopter parent", hovering over the poor child expecting perfection. In turn, setting myself up for disappointment & being unfairly critical to my sweet boy. As a lovely lady at church pointed out, He gives/shows us what we need to see, when we need to see it. It's true. When I'm not looking, He shows me that the fault I've been placing elsewhere is largely due in my own lap. 
I am not perfect. Why am I asking my child to be? Yep, unrealistic expectations. It's not fair at all to him. Now that I am aware, I am able to let go and let God handle the changes He needs in me. Sunday evening, yesterday and today, I have caught myself asking Owen to be perfect. More and more, I am replacing that with just asking him to be him because that's all I thought I ever wanted to begin with. 

Information regarding the article for this blog entry was adapted from this book by Kyle Idleman

fragments.

Life is chaotic in our home these days. To be honest, life is almost always chaotic at our house; more so with the arrival of Baby Evan.    We are blessed to welcome a 9 lb. 7 oz. little addition to our family as of March 15th, 2013. He is just as handsome as his big brother, Owen. 

I've had no extra (what's extra?) time to blog since before Evan was born. It just so happens, April 2013 marks my third year of blogging. I'll have a cardboard cookie, thank you very much.

After six weeks of sleeping in segments, I'm exhausted & growing accustomed to sleep deprivation. Our home has been a cesspool of filth in the recent weeks & I've finally got it back on track. The floors are sparkling (okay, sparkling is stretching the truth a bit) and the laundry is tamed. 

Evan's bedroom is finished, minus a few small details & Spring Cleaning is going full blast at our house. And by that, I mean I have been donating bags and bags to Goodwill. Andy called me & Owen hoarders and I'm out to prove him wrong. 

Although there's not a lot of sleep happening at our house, we're all stocked up in love.

My twenty minutes are up. I hear a little voice that needs me.