I'm Not Waiting Another Minute [To Let it Go]

As I sit here rocking this beautiful baby of mine, I'm reminded of what I have to be grateful for. 

Most of the time, she won't go to sleep unless I'm holding her or rocking her & for those of you reading this, I get tired of you saying she's spoiled. 

She's cherished. She is loved. She is adored. I don't remember being "spoiled" at all as a child & I want my babies to know & remember that they are cherished, loved, and adored. If that is what you see spoiled as, then yes, that's what all of my children are. So you can stand down because I won't stop loving or showing them love because you don't agree with the way I do.

Thank the Lord this PPD is easing off a bit. It still comes in waves & I get manic & have major anxiety here and there at the most in opportune times , but at least it's not as overwhelming as it once was. Life is a process. I'm just trying to work through it the best way I know how. 

I am grateful for this life. No, I don't have all the answers but I'm working side-by-side with the Lord on the answers that work best for our family. 

I am grateful that God sees fit for me to work with young ladies in recovery from drugs & alcohol. I would have never thought I would be doing anything of the such, but here I am letting God lead me. 

Yesterday in Church, He spoke a Word to me. I absolutely love that expression because it means I'm listening. I don't always listen. I hear Him, but I don't always listen. He's been speaking to me regarding an issue for what seems like an eternity & yesterday, it registered: "Let it Go". 

Can that be anymore clear? I was invited to Homecoming at a local church in my area that I have "ties" so-to-speak with & the  guest speaker was on point. God spoke right directly to me through this man. I didn't stick around to gab. I threw my hand up and out the door I went. I had to get home & feed the baby. 

He spoke to me & said, let these things go that you're holding on to. It's time. No, I'm not delusional, people. If you're Christian, God speaks & you either obey or ignore; you decide. Conviction tends to convince you eventually if you want to hee-haw around like I've been doing.

I've been overwhelmed by one big thing. I don't have a church home. Please don't get me wrong, I feel welcome everywhere I go, but I have not yet found the place where I want to move my letter. I feel sure that I will know. The reason I feel sure is because I was absolutely certain when I joined my former church on April 17th, 2011. I knew exactly where I wanted to be. For reasons beyond my control, the church is no longer & yesterday, I let it go. 

PRAISE & GLORY BE TO GOD, y'all. 

It has consumed me with angst for almost three years, when we decided we would no longer have Sunday service. I felt like the Israelites wandering around out in the wilderness. 

Not anymore. I'm free. I'm free to visit wherever my heart leads me. I'm free to see where God needs me. Since I chose Him, He has set me free repeatedly. 

"The Lord has been so good to me, 

He set my captive spirit free,

Old things are passed away,

Ever since that blessed day."

-I'm in a New World (hymn)

I wanted to head in an altogether different direction with this post but the Lord apparently had this direction. 

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up. --- James 4:10

I'm in a New World (Since the Lord Saved Me)

April 17th, 2014 made three years that I "officially" gave my life to Christ and joined Community Christian Church. However, my Walk started on September 3rd, 2010. I'm a note-taker. Is that obvious? Almost every step I've taken in my Christian walk, I've noted. I'm on Volume IV.

I asked Pa Frank where I should start & he said to start with The Creation Story in the Old Testament. Keep in mind, I knew nothing. Zilch. I wasn't brought up in church. The only church I had ever experienced was on my own initiative basically. I remember when I was around 8 or 9 years old, riding the bus to Gospel Light Baptist Church while staying the weekend at my Mom's. I went there several times & can't remember the sermons in Sunday School but, I remember being saved there. The only thing I remember is that we all bowed our heads & prayed & I was saved that day. I was a baby, I had no idea what Salvation meant. In fact, I had no idea what Salvation meant up until the last few years. I do know that I was experiencing a lot that no child should ever have to experience during that time & to have some sense of security that Jesus loved me had to be pretty appealing. 

I went to Psalms 91 in Linwood, NC a couple times when I was nine. My Mom was teaching a children's Sunday School class for a while & I was able to go a couple times. I memorized a verse (I still remember it) from: 

Acts 4:12 - Neither is there Salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved. 

I received this beautiful bookmark for memorizing the verse: 

There were a few occasions that I went to a little church in the Linwood, NC area with a friend of mine around the age of ten. I remember saving the programs when I went to church there (I've since thrown them away & wish that I'd kept them) and how good it made me feel to be surrounded by love. I've learned that this was, most assuredly, the Holy Spirit within those walls. 

In 1999, I was experiencing trials & tribulations in my life that stemmed from childhood & had no idea what to do with them. I went to church with a friend from work & was led to the front at the end of service, crying & joyful simultaneously. I was given the above cross & have kept it all these years. That crying and joy did not convince me to turn from my sins. I wasn't ready.

The above snippets are all the memories that I have of church until 2010 (minus one). They all have one common denominator = I fled to Christ when things were bad. This time, I turned to Christ because things were so good. They weren't perfect (by no stretch of the imagination) but, I was doing better in my life, than I ever had. 

When I started reading my Bible, I wasn't ready to attend church. I was terrified someone would ask me a question and I wouldn't know the answer to it. I was terrified I wasn't "good enough". 

2 Corinthians 12:9 ...My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness...

I was terrified I would be considered a hypocrite. I was so worried what someone else might think. 

If you really know who you are in Christ, you don't have to convince everybody else that you're right.

--- Joyce Meyer

 Obviously, I didn't know who I was in Christ at that point & sometimes I still struggle with that because I let people's judgement stand in my view & I shouldn't. Being a Christian is hard. Life isn't perfect. That's the common misconception is that a Christian's life is perfect. Nope. 

Christianity to me is living my life for Him; every second, every day & every way, my thoughts go directly to Him. 

Do I always succeed? No. Do I always try again? YES! Always. 

There's no turning back for me.

If there's one thing I can tell you, it's that He's been there all along, 

Jeremiah 29:13 - And yea shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. 

When I was Baptized on September 18th, 2011, the scripture that came to my mind was:

James 4:10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up. 

And He shall.

speak less, pray more #2

Why don't we simply recognize that a person needs help and ask how we can be of service? I think the reason really has little to do with the needs of others and more to do with our state of mind. If you're like me, sometimes you have unrealistic expectations, or you see situations through the narrow perspective of "how things should be." But everyone benefits when you set aside such thoughts and show compassion. --- Kaitlin Quistgaard

Have you ever been faced with the chance to help someone, whether it be mentally, physically or emotionally and let that opportunity slide through your fingers because of unrealistic, square expectations? 

It's incredible how God always provides me with opportunities for growth. I've never really thought of myself as a narrow-minded individual but, if I am so naive as to think that things will always be as they "should" be, I most certainly have much to learn on my journey. That's a life-long goal for me: 

Never stop learning.

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and he shall lift you up.

---James 4:10