Friday, September 15, 2017

It's a Good Day for a Good Day

I've fought with myself over and over on whether or not to continue this line of writing & I decided yes. Yes because that was the idea behind this blog to start with (7 plus years now). Which basically is: 

write like no one is reading. 

It's my voice. Because I am who I am is why I write. It's therapy. It helps. Maybe it will help someone else, as well. 

My days are getting a little less long. My PPD isn't nearly as overwhelming as it has been being. I am stepping out in faith & letting God handle things. All I can do is what I can do. 

I'm taking small bites on what I have to get accomplished daily. And by that I mean, I'm not trying to tackle everything at once. I take small bites and accomplish things one by one. Not everything has to get done today and when I  realize that and stop thinking that it does, I am able to calm the storm that is me & concentrate on the task at hand. 

I am working on patience; slow and steady wins the race. Today, my littlest and I have been working toward completing some orders I've been working on. I have folks that have been so faithful to stick with me, even as I've repeatedly taken longer than I should to complete things. I am so grateful. 

Friday, September 8, 2017

Here Comes a Cat 5 Hurricane (Alisha)

 I am truly on the verge of losing my proverbial shit. Yes, I said it. Do you know why? Because at this point, the word poop just doesn't adequately express where I am in life. I have Post Partum Depression again. Yes, again. I had it with our first child & that is exactly why I didn't want anymore children for almost four years. I was good with our middle son & then --- boom! The roller coaster starts back up with our third. Yep. 

There, I said it; OUTLOUD. For all the internet to hear. The first step is admission, right? I have been struggling in secret for months & as I said above, about to lose it. No, I won't cuss again so you can uncover your ears & relax. I'm stressed enough for all of us. 

And I do mean all; as in, every single person I've ever known and I've known a lot of people. I moved around a lot my whole life up until I started having kids ten years ago (almost). 

To say that I am completely overwhelmed would be a huge understatement. There is nothing in this world like PPD; nothing. Just like with parenting, everybody's got suggestions on what you they think I should do & how I should fix it. 

If you haven't had PPD, here's what you can do: 
take a long walk off a short pier & shut your face to me because Miss Congeniality has left the building & I don't want any passive aggressive suggestions disguised as advice. 

PPD for me is filled with anxiety, tears & isolation. Three things that are so not me. Well, tears are, because I'm pretty emotional but waller-in-my-own-self-pity-tears aren't. 

I'm breastfeeding so it makes it a hunnerd (yes, I meant to spell it that way) times worse. I had to go buy a can of formula the other day to supplement with. I didn't want to. In my mind, if I can't feed her, I'm a bad Mom. I know that I'm not but, that's how PPD works for me. It makes me feel inadequate as a Mother regardless of whether I am or not. And clearly, I'm fabulous, so I'm not. Ha! 

That's just it, I'm feeding her just fine. Well, aside from the raging hormones that make me want to yell at everyone with a giant lion roar while crying a river that I'm drowning in. Nutritionally, she's fine; emotionally, I'm not.

I made the statement the other day it would be a good day for a relapse if I weren't so far into this life of recovery. I'm working on a decade yo, I ain't got time for no dope. Nope. 

If you and I aren't close enough for you to come up & say to me, "I wondered if that was what's wrong with you," you'll know we're not that close when you're picking yourself up off the ground. Like I said, Miss Congeniality left the building. 

It was not easy for me to share this with the world. Not easy at all because there are a lot of people in this world that think you should just "get over it" and like I've said before,

the only way out is through...

Thursday, August 3, 2017

The Only Way Out is Through (To Be Heard)

I am completely overwhelmed right now. 

I decided to blog "in the moment". As of late, I put off blogging until I talk myself out it & I'm not doing that this time. 

Today is Open House for the new school year & Praise God for it happening. Judge if you need to. Quite frankly, your judgement is the least of my troubles. My kids have me ready to pinch their little heads com-pletely off (in my best Julia Sugarbaker voice). I am beyond ready for them to go to school. The littlest boy starts this year & the oldest is going to third grade.

I am not one of those mothers that  want my children home all year. Nope. To all my homeschooling Mama's, kudos. That will not happen in my home. I value what little sanity I have left. You can have homeschooling. My children will experience public school, just like I did. Sure, they'll learn things I'd like for them not to know but, it's much better than the alternative; the pinching off of heads. I feel like the Queen of Hearts on Alice in Wonderland. I think I've said that before. Yep, I'm sure I have.

What is it with my kids? They become human beings when they're around other people; sometimes. When they're around me, they're complete terrors. I don't know what "it" is, but I know there can't be much left of this said "it". 

Insert break here for the time it took to get chocolate milk for the littlest & tell the boys to take  a nap. It's ONLY 12:45pm. ONLY. I feel like this day has gone on forever. Seriously readers, forever. If you're in the market to reproduce, skip whether you're financially ready & make sure you're mentally capable. I honestly don't think I am most days. 

One more thing, why do people insist on saying something to effect of, "enjoy these moments because they'll be gone soon?" Yes folks, I am completely aware of that. I'm not rushing them to grow up. 

What I want is for them to ease up on the moments that they're completely destroying everything that we own or the moments that they insist on not listening until they do the very thing that I've repeated until I'd be blue in the face for if i were holding my breath. 

My point is, you know as well as I do, you have experienced the same thing I am because your children are not perfect, so please, save that comment & just say a prayer for me. And I'm serious. I'm not joking. I need prayer. Every day. 

 ---- Insert break here for the time I had to go and break up the boys, put them in separate rooms & threaten them with punishment if they didn't quit & nap. --- 

Okay, where was I? Yes, yes, it's a good thing I wasn't holding my breath. 

I guess that pretty much covers what I needed to express. It's impossible to keep this stuff inside. No matter what you're going through, it's important to work through whatever it is that you're dealing with. I know this to be a fact. I'm in long-term drug & alcohol recovery. If you read my nonsense, you already know that. 

And you also know this...

The only way out is through. 

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Parenting 101: Buckle Your Safety Harness

Before one more month comes and goes, I'm absolutely making myself sit down and blog. I have been completely consumed with parenthood. And when I say consumed, that's an understatement to say the very least. Those of you who said, or continue to say, "it's just one more kid," I would appreciate it if you'd step back into reality & out of your delusional existence. I now have three children; yep, three. Never thought I'd be saying that. Never. Oh wait, yes, there was that brief period that  wanted a whole houseful. And then I had one.

Last night, well, in the wee hours of the morning, I caught myself losing my proverbial poop. Yes, I would much rather use another descriptive 4-letter word but, I'll save anyone who is reading this the judgement. I actually felt much like I did as a new Mom almost nine years ago. How was that exactly? Completely helpless & unsure of whether I'd make it out alive.

I did make it out alive. Here I am, grateful to God for giving me another to day to get it right. "It" being, this thing we call life. This thing we get repeated swings at. Nah, I'm not really a sports fan unless my kids are playing but, I am grateful God doesn't give me three strikes and I'm out because I would have been out long before I ever had kids. As a matter of fact, I would have been out as a teenager. Okay, okay, an adolescent.  

If you've ever been a breastfeeding Mama, only you can understand where I'm going with this post. Chalk it up to hormones & I'll poke your eyes out of your head like a Mama Mockingbird who's protecting her nest. Get out of my face with that garbage. Not everything's hormones people.

I've recently realized why breastfeeding is so absolutely important to me. I can't control anything. God takes care of everything. I can't make my kids do what I want them to. I can't make them get along with one another. 

If I can feed our newest little treasure & she is healthy & well, maybe I'm not so bad at this whole parenting thing after all. 

Monday, April 3, 2017

Brain Dump

Nine weeks left & nesting has arrived. For the last three days, I have been bouncing from project to project, tying up loose ends. Just saying "loose ends" makes me laugh. I've got basically nothing done that needs to be done to prepare for this little Miss so, we're more along the lines of "starting from the beginning". 

That's me: last minute Alisha. 

I suppose nine weeks is a little more time than last minute, but if you think about it terms of I had 40 weeks, well....

I'm tired, which is normal for me but it seems like with this little Miss, I'm much more tired; which could be one of two things: I'm older & I weigh more. Bleck. You can't win'em all. The morning sickness isn't as bad anymore so, yay! Winner, winner, chicken dinner! 

I had a ton of ideas to write about and none of them are coming to mind right now. Nope, not a one. 

Lots has been going on. The Lord has blessed my little home business. I'm super excited about that. It challenges me to create more. The boys are both playing baseball this spring, which is exciting to see them have  a good time practicing for upcoming opening day. 

We're making some home improvements, slowly but surely. 
My oldest was out sick from school a few weeks ago & he turned on the show Flip or Flop  & it made me want to start ripping out walls. How great is that show? We've got a few small things to get done & we've got a few large things that need done, as well. No big rush, really. I'm sure Andy would prefer later, rather than sooner. I would like to tackle a few of the smaller projects before little Miss gets here but it's a whole lot less work for me and a whole lot more work for him, at this point in the pregnancy. We'll do what we can do and the rest will wait. He tackled replacing some damaged area in our kitchen floor over the weekend & I get to choose what floor covering goes back! So, I get my little design time.

We've basically skipped Winter & Spring here in Southeast Georgia, and darted right toward Summer. Yay. Do you hear the enthusiasm? If you ever think Climate Change is wrong, well, I beg to differ. It was ninety-one degrees at one point yesterday & it's April. Yep, I'm already getting the pool ready & that usually doesn't happen until May. 

I'm beginning to think that I am writing just to unload my brain so there's room for more. I'm rambling on and on. Who am I kidding? That's what I always do. It just seems to happen more frequently for me during pregnancy. It's funny, they have a laundry list of questions to ask at the doctor, but they never ask, "do you feel more and more nuts as the days pass?" If you've been there, you know. If you haven't, move along, there's nothing to see, hear, or read here. 

I've been making silly, hormonal videos. I don't know why really. It's basically just another brain dump. It helps. Admission is the first step to recovery, right? Well, maybe it's the first step back toward sanity, too. We'll see.

Oh look, shiny!

You know what else I have discovered? OILS! I was up until one a.m. this morning reading my Essential Oil Pocket Reference, which is super cool! All I can think of is all the help I can give my family! 

That's pretty much all I've got for now, except for the fact that I'm in the middle of this great study: All Things New study. I haven't actually made it to class yet, but I'm doing the study from home and it is phenomenal! I'll leave you with these scriptures:

16 Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. 17 For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. 18 So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 (HCSB)

Too Blessed to be Stressed!

Friday, January 6, 2017

Trust Jesus (To Be Heard)

God always sends us what/who we need, when we need it/them. I had a friend stop by today that I rarely get to see in person. She had some goodies she thought I'd be interested in & had time to drop them by. Who's gonna turn down fabric? Not this girl. 

She & I got to talking & considering adult interaction usually isn't a huge part of my day, I'm super excited to be having a real live conversation with an adult, that I'm friends with & I don't have to drag a real smile out of or make talk to me!! It's like she was speaking from my life, but it wasn't my life, it was hers. 

I am super overwhelmed lately. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones or maybe I should get out more, that I don't know. What I do know is, while she & I were talking to one another, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am not alone in experiencing trials & tribulations through motherhood. 

We talked for I don't know how long about a little project God has me working on, how He's working in my life,  how He showed me to pray for those that don't wish me well, about something that happened many years ago that I was able to show forgiveness for because God is steadfast & truly first in my life & without Him, I am/would be absolutely nothing. 

Did I mention I don't get a whole lot of adult conversation? 

When people cross your path, there's a reason. It's all in God's plan, I just roll with it. Maybe I'm not where I'd like to be, but I'm certainly not where I use to be. Maybe I'm not perfect at parenting, but I will not give up on my babies. 

I am doing a great work, I will not come down. - Nehemiah 6:3

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Sugar & Spice

I had this idea in my mind for months. I even searched Pinterest to make sure no one else thought of it already. My husband & I have two gorgeous boys & we're adding a girl in June of 2017. 

The "photoshoot" didn't turn out exactly  as planned; it never does. You should see the outtakes. No, I won't go there. 

I keep saying that I don't know what I'll do with a girl. I've pretty much been a tomboy my whole life. I wore makeup in high school, but that's about as far as it went. I'm low maintenance. I prefer to spend my time elsewhere. Not that there's anything wrong with anything else, I just stick with what works for me. 

The more I think about having a girl, the more excited I get. I get to play dress up & wear a tutu, too. Yes, I will be dressing up too, so if you see me in public dressed as a princess, don't let it shock you. 

A girl won't be any different than my two gorgeous boys. We'll cherish her, too. Children are gifts. It hurts my heart to know that they're not all treated that way. That they're not all cherished. Some children are treated as burdens & are basically left out to fend for themselves. Children should be seen & heard & believed!

My oldest & I have been having a hard time lately. I'm praying it's just a stage. I'm praying that we move to the next scene sooner than later. 

Parenthood is overwhelming at times; a lot of the times, it seems. That's what people don't want you to know. That parenting, or life, for that matter, isn't always rainbows & moonbeams. It's not. 

Sometimes it's hard & I want to throw in the towel. Nope. God's got me covered. He's taking care of things, if I just let Him. But I have to consistently let Him. Taking back problems from God's care doesn't do any good. I'm an expert on that. 

So, for all of you who wished & prayed for us a girl, your prayers have been answered. My prayers are for a healthy baby, whether it be a boy or a girl, it will be loved & cherished.

For this child, we prayed.
- Samuel 1:27