Monday, December 4, 2017

Aiming High to Jesus

How great is our God. I say this with tears in my eyes & a weight gone from my shoulders. There is one thing that I know for certain: God is in control. When I relinquish control to Him, is when I am able to flourish. 

For years I have been praying. And recently, He answered me. He gave me peace in my soul. I cannot express, there are no words to describe what depending on Him has done for me; to me. 

I am free. 

He set me free. Praise God. He set me free. He broke the bonds of prison for me. I'm glory bound my Jesus to see. Glory to God, He set me free. 

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Chasing Rabbits (To Be Heard)

As I fumble through this life, I notice time passes more quickly than ever before once I stop rushing to move it. When I stand with the Son, I know He'll protect me from myself. The self in me isn't where I'd like to be in my walk with Him, but if nothing's changes, nothing changes. 

We can talk about what we're going to do all day long, but in the end, have we done what would make God give us an "atta boy"? Smokey use to say that all the time. It's been seven years since he left this earth & I'd like to believe I'll see him again someday but honestly, I don't know if he was saved. When he died, I wasn't. I didn't ever share what it meant to be saved with him because I didn't know what it meant myself. 

Are we sharing what it means to be saved with others?  How life can end in the blink of an eye & we all need to be ready? 

Life flies by and before we know it, we'll be regretting things, if we're not careful. Did I spend enough quality time with my kids? Quality and quantity are two different things, ya know. Sometimes I get wrapped up in quantity, that I forget all about quality. 

The same thing goes for presence & presents, these two can get mixed up in a jiffy. Last time my mother and I had a conservation was three years ago this December,  & I told her that we would rather have her presence than her presents. Needless to say, that cut pretty deep & she hung up on me. At that point, I could have pinched her head off for bailing out on my guys again. 

Our oldest is nine years old & she's met him once, his almost five year old brother once when he was three months old & she doesn't even know that I have a six month old little girl. It's sad, but true. 

I'm not even sure why I'm sharing all of this, honestly. I see people post all the time on social media about their mother's and how they miss them. I don't have that. I've never really had a relationship with mine because she's always chosen herself, or a relationship. 

I acted like it didn't matter when I was a teenager because I was "coming into my own"--whatever that expression really means--and didn't know what to do with all the emotions that I was experiencing. 

That's one of the big reasons that I started using drugs. I wanted to escape from all of the "stuff". Whew, "stuff" is such a loaded word used in this sentence. Baggage is a better word. Baggage should never be a word that someone uses to describe their childhood, but unfortunately, that's what I got from mine. 

It's taken me a lifetime and many hours of therapy to understand that the lack of relationship that my mother has with me, is not my fault. I did not make her choose to absent in  my life. Thank you EMDR and, of course, Margaret. She helped save me from myself couple of years ago.

This post is a perfect example of how my mind works. I start with one thing and bounce from thing to thing. I suppose I just needed to chase rabbits today. Until next time...

Monday, October 16, 2017

I'm Not Waiting Another Minute [To Let it Go]

As I sit here rocking this beautiful baby of mine, I'm reminded of what I have to be grateful for. 

Most of the time, she won't go to sleep unless I'm holding her or rocking her & for those of you reading this, I get tired of you saying she's spoiled. 

She's cherished. She is loved. She is adored. I don't remember being "spoiled" at all as a child & I want my babies to know & remember that they are cherished, loved, and adored. If that is what you see spoiled as, then yes, that's what all of my children are. So you can stand down because I won't stop loving or showing them love because you don't agree with the way I do.

Thank the Lord this PPD is easing off a bit. It still comes in waves & I get manic & have major anxiety here and there at the most in opportune times , but at least it's not as overwhelming as it once was. Life is a process. I'm just trying to work through it the best way I know how. 

I am grateful for this life. No, I don't have all the answers but I'm working side-by-side with the Lord on the answers that work best for our family. 

I am grateful that God sees fit for me to work with young ladies in recovery from drugs & alcohol. I would have never thought I would be doing anything of the such, but here I am letting God lead me. 

Yesterday in Church, He spoke a Word to me. I absolutely love that expression because it means I'm listening. I don't always listen. I hear Him, but I don't always listen. He's been speaking to me regarding an issue for what seems like an eternity & yesterday, it registered: "Let it Go". 

Can that be anymore clear? I was invited to Homecoming at a local church in my area that I have "ties" so-to-speak with & the  guest speaker was on point. God spoke right directly to me through this man. I didn't stick around to gab. I threw my hand up and out the door I went. I had to get home & feed the baby. 

He spoke to me & said, let these things go that you're holding on to. It's time. No, I'm not delusional, people. If you're Christian, God speaks & you either obey or ignore; you decide. Conviction tends to convince you eventually if you want to hee-haw around like I've been doing.

I've been overwhelmed by one big thing. I don't have a church home. Please don't get me wrong, I feel welcome everywhere I go, but I have not yet found the place where I want to move my letter. I feel sure that I will know. The reason I feel sure is because I was absolutely certain when I joined my former church on April 17th, 2011. I knew exactly where I wanted to be. For reasons beyond my control, the church is no longer & yesterday, I let it go. 


It has consumed me with angst for almost three years, when we decided we would no longer have Sunday service. I felt like the Israelites wandering around out in the wilderness. 

Not anymore. I'm free. I'm free to visit wherever my heart leads me. I'm free to see where God needs me. Since I chose Him, He has set me free repeatedly. 

"The Lord has been so good to me, 
He set my captive spirit free,
Old things are passed away,
Ever since that blessed day."
-I'm in a New World (hymn)

I wanted to head in an altogether different direction with this post but the Lord apparently had this direction. 

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up. --- James 4:10

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Smoother Sailing

Things are better. I'm not consumed with anxiety. I still have spurts, but nothing like it was, thank the Lord & all of you that have been praying! 

I'm enjoying life again. 

Which, if you know anything about PPD, you don't just get over it. You have to make an effort. 

Some days are good & some aren't. Some days, I'd just as soon slap people as speak to them. Today wasn't one of those days, thank goodness & those days are disappearing in the distance. They're not easily forgotten, but can be stepped away from. 

Time is flying by at a warp speed. It's almost October. It feels like the older I get, the faster time moves. 

I'm at the end of a fantastic Bible study with a great group of ladies. The irony? The Study is about wandering around in the wilderness. 

Touché, God.

He's always on point. He always gives me what I need, when I need it. 

This month made seven years I chose to start serving the Lord & I pray there are many more. 

Friday, September 15, 2017

It's a Good Day for a Good Day

I've fought with myself over and over on whether or not to continue this line of writing & I decided yes. Yes because that was the idea behind this blog to start with (7 plus years now). Which basically is: 

write like no one is reading. 

It's my voice. Because I am who I am is why I write. It's therapy. It helps. Maybe it will help someone else, as well. 

My days are getting a little less long. My PPD isn't nearly as overwhelming as it has been being. I am stepping out in faith & letting God handle things. All I can do is what I can do. 

I'm taking small bites on what I have to get accomplished daily. And by that I mean, I'm not trying to tackle everything at once. I take small bites and accomplish things one by one. Not everything has to get done today and when I  realize that and stop thinking that it does, I am able to calm the storm that is me & concentrate on the task at hand. 

I am working on patience; slow and steady wins the race. Today, my littlest and I have been working toward completing some orders I've been working on. I have folks that have been so faithful to stick with me, even as I've repeatedly taken longer than I should to complete things. I am so grateful. 

Friday, September 8, 2017

Here Comes a Cat 5 Hurricane (Alisha)

 I am truly on the verge of losing my proverbial shit. Yes, I said it. Do you know why? Because at this point, the word poop just doesn't adequately express where I am in life. I have Post Partum Depression again. Yes, again. I had it with our first child & that is exactly why I didn't want anymore children for almost four years. I was good with our middle son & then --- boom! The roller coaster starts back up with our third. Yep. 

There, I said it; OUTLOUD. For all the internet to hear. The first step is admission, right? I have been struggling in secret for months & as I said above, about to lose it. No, I won't cuss again so you can uncover your ears & relax. I'm stressed enough for all of us. 

And I do mean all; as in, every single person I've ever known and I've known a lot of people. I moved around a lot my whole life up until I started having kids ten years ago (almost). 

To say that I am completely overwhelmed would be a huge understatement. There is nothing in this world like PPD; nothing. Just like with parenting, everybody's got suggestions on what you they think I should do & how I should fix it. 

If you haven't had PPD, here's what you can do: 
take a long walk off a short pier & shut your face to me because Miss Congeniality has left the building & I don't want any passive aggressive suggestions disguised as advice. 

PPD for me is filled with anxiety, tears & isolation. Three things that are so not me. Well, tears are, because I'm pretty emotional but waller-in-my-own-self-pity-tears aren't. 

I'm breastfeeding so it makes it a hunnerd (yes, I meant to spell it that way) times worse. I had to go buy a can of formula the other day to supplement with. I didn't want to. In my mind, if I can't feed her, I'm a bad Mom. I know that I'm not but, that's how PPD works for me. It makes me feel inadequate as a Mother regardless of whether I am or not. And clearly, I'm fabulous, so I'm not. Ha! 

That's just it, I'm feeding her just fine. Well, aside from the raging hormones that make me want to yell at everyone with a giant lion roar while crying a river that I'm drowning in. Nutritionally, she's fine; emotionally, I'm not.

I made the statement the other day it would be a good day for a relapse if I weren't so far into this life of recovery. I'm working on a decade yo, I ain't got time for no dope. Nope. 

If you and I aren't close enough for you to come up & say to me, "I wondered if that was what's wrong with you," you'll know we're not that close when you're picking yourself up off the ground. Like I said, Miss Congeniality left the building. 

It was not easy for me to share this with the world. Not easy at all because there are a lot of people in this world that think you should just "get over it" and like I've said before,

the only way out is through...

Thursday, August 3, 2017

The Only Way Out is Through (To Be Heard)

I am completely overwhelmed right now. 

I decided to blog "in the moment". As of late, I put off blogging until I talk myself out it & I'm not doing that this time. 

Today is Open House for the new school year & Praise God for it happening. Judge if you need to. Quite frankly, your judgement is the least of my troubles. My kids have me ready to pinch their little heads com-pletely off (in my best Julia Sugarbaker voice). I am beyond ready for them to go to school. The littlest boy starts this year & the oldest is going to third grade.

I am not one of those mothers that  want my children home all year. Nope. To all my homeschooling Mama's, kudos. That will not happen in my home. I value what little sanity I have left. You can have homeschooling. My children will experience public school, just like I did. Sure, they'll learn things I'd like for them not to know but, it's much better than the alternative; the pinching off of heads. I feel like the Queen of Hearts on Alice in Wonderland. I think I've said that before. Yep, I'm sure I have.

What is it with my kids? They become human beings when they're around other people; sometimes. When they're around me, they're complete terrors. I don't know what "it" is, but I know there can't be much left of this said "it". 

Insert break here for the time it took to get chocolate milk for the littlest & tell the boys to take  a nap. It's ONLY 12:45pm. ONLY. I feel like this day has gone on forever. Seriously readers, forever. If you're in the market to reproduce, skip whether you're financially ready & make sure you're mentally capable. I honestly don't think I am most days. 

One more thing, why do people insist on saying something to effect of, "enjoy these moments because they'll be gone soon?" Yes folks, I am completely aware of that. I'm not rushing them to grow up. 

What I want is for them to ease up on the moments that they're completely destroying everything that we own or the moments that they insist on not listening until they do the very thing that I've repeated until I'd be blue in the face for if i were holding my breath. 

My point is, you know as well as I do, you have experienced the same thing I am because your children are not perfect, so please, save that comment & just say a prayer for me. And I'm serious. I'm not joking. I need prayer. Every day. 

 ---- Insert break here for the time I had to go and break up the boys, put them in separate rooms & threaten them with punishment if they didn't quit & nap. --- 

Okay, where was I? Yes, yes, it's a good thing I wasn't holding my breath. 

I guess that pretty much covers what I needed to express. It's impossible to keep this stuff inside. No matter what you're going through, it's important to work through whatever it is that you're dealing with. I know this to be a fact. I'm in long-term drug & alcohol recovery. If you read my nonsense, you already know that. 

And you also know this...

The only way out is through.